I knew I was gay. When I was alone. In the dark, in the safe cocoon of my bed. When my own hands touched myself, and those images and thoughts went toward the movie star, the guy I had seen on the street, or my best friend.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing.
I used to be in a band, I was the bass player – I still am! But at that time, there was no way you could come out, it just wasn’t done. I had wonderful friends in the band, it was like a different family – we stuck together and worked really hard. My best friend was the drummer – Shane – we were best mates. For those who don’t know, the bass and the drums have to really work hard together to make the music work – it’s the heartbeat of any band.
Anyway, although Shane was a very attractive guy, he wasn’t my thing sexually, he was just a good friend. In fact, my best. One night, after band practice, he and I took a drive to a playground not far from his house. I was at the point where I really wanted to tell him I was gay – he was my best friend, after all.
As we swung on the swings, I just couldn’t say it. I tried and tried to just get those three words out of my mouth – I AM GAY. But I couldn’t.
So, in my sad panic, I left the band and completely cut all my friends off. I never spoke to any of them again. I decided to go out and be gay, instead.
I had a wonderful time, once I accepted myself as a gay man – I danced, I made love the way I wanted to, I got screwed over by guys and I slowly became the strong, confident and successful person I am today.
Then along came Facebook, and I was asked to be a “friend” to “Stretchy”. I was intrigued. But in my total happiness now, I said, Sure, I can accept the “friend” thing. It turned out to be Shane, twenty years later.
The first thing I said was, “I’m really sorry I never told you I am gay, I know I should have, since you were my best friend.”
“LOL – I knew you were gay, and it never mattered to me – you were my best friend!”
He’s had three kids, been married and divorced and in and out of work ever since I knew him.
Life is a journey that only you can travel.
“Each of us, a cell of awareness, imperfect and incomplete.”
I’m From Spartanburg, SC: “I suppose it’s not entirely expected to meet a self-proclaimed faggot from the South who enjoys his liquor and beer, smokes like a chimney, wins fights, and then shreds a guitar (or microphone, or synth-pad, or…) rather than go to the club every weekend.”
I’m From Canberra, Australia: “I must have bumped something, because I made a noise and they knew there was someone else nearby. They flew apart and were both suddenly examining products on different sides of the aisle. Neither boy looked more than fifteen.”
I’m From Boonville, MO: “We’d “met” via the “Honesty Box” application on Facebook; that probably should have been my first sign. I was just barely out to myself and still very disoriented, but Honesty Box boy had pieced my sexuality together through some very creative and aggressive Facebook research. Well, stalking.”