I’m From Toronto, ON, Canada.

by robyn s.

When I was small, I practiced kissing with other girls.  But everyone did, and I never thought much of it.  I kind of hated girls.  They picked on me, and I always seemed to be one step behind their styles, their jokes, and their interests.

I was in 10th grade, and I realized one day that a girl I knew was gay.  It just kind of hit me – I knew why she talked that way, why she walked that way, why she was so loud sometimes, and so quiet other times.  She was gay, and she knew it.  Wow.  Being gay was a real thing. Anybody could be gay, I could be gay.  Yup, I could be….and the next day I just was. I tried it on walking down the halls, tried on the gay hat, and it fit. Ellen’s character came out later that year, and I watched her show with interest. By the end of the school year that girl and I were both out, and it turned out we had a couple of fag friends too.  We were the gay kids, and we were a clique just like other cliques, going to parties, pretty normal stuff.  I finally told my parents a few years later, they were cool.  I kept it secret from them because I was 15 and I didn’t really want them to know anything about me.  Such is the life of the teenage girl I guess.

My wife and I were married in 2005; we got engaged in 2003 right when all the legal stuff was going down in Canada.  We were in our early 20′s, apolitical, and not really paying attention.  We got engaged because that was what people did after being together for a while. No big deal.  Our wedding was small, our parents danced all night.  It was really nice.

Now my wife is pregnant, and we are expecting our first baby any day now.  We are in our early 30′s, and it was just time to make babies – we asked a pal who happily carted his porn over to our house, and donated some sperm.  We will be mommies soon and we can’t wait.

I have been so lucky.  To be born in a big city, surrounded by support, growing up at a time when our society was growing up too.  I’ve never really experienced homophobia, and my biggest concern is whether I will be mommy or momma in the years ahead.  For folks reading this who live in smaller closed-minded places, who live in fear or shame, my heart goes out to you. For those a bit older than me, I am grateful that your struggles have made my journey so smooth, and I try my best every day to make the road even more clear for the next generation.

3 Comments:

  1. Your story seems so…normal. Which is very much a great thing. Congrats on the marriage and the future baby!

  2. A good friend of mine likes to remind me that gayness doesn’t matter. Sometimes I forget. Thanks for such a sweet reminder.

  3. I love this story. And I love you Robyn. Robyn is my wife. I sit here 39 weeks pregnant feeling so lucky that my lived experience of being queer hasn’t been too challenging, but rather quite fantastic. However, I would has to say that I have and do experience homophobia. I am aware of the glances and under-the-breath comments when Robyn and I walk hand in hand and stop to give each other a loving kiss or embrace. I am also aware of the reactions that strangers have when I respond to “So, what does your husband do?”. That most often comes right after “What are you having?”…

    I have been so fortunate to be surrounded by loving and supportive friends and family. It makes experiences of homophobia more manageable and something that I am up to addressing and challenging in the moment – most often. I wish our is baby is that lucky and that their experience of having two moms to be met with support, celebration and love.

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