After two and a half years of my first (and longest) relationship with another man, I remember how strong, confident and mature I felt. It was a sometimes hard/sometimes great and fulfilling experience. We shared a lot (too much, if you let me say so). We lived together, shared breakfasts, kisses, siestas, dreams and some lies. Sure the breakup was awful, sad, and even violent…but also inevitable. There were clouds in the sky and it was a matter of time before the heavy rain started. And it poured, and we blamed each other and we blamed ourselves helplessly.
Unoriginally, there was somebody else in the middle (and on his side). But he wasn’t the reason for the breakup, just the trigger. I cheated on my boyfriend, too, but I always excused myself saying it was just sex, no feelings involved. I never told him. I kept it to myself, like I do with so many other things. Trust me, it was really just sex, plain and simple. And oh man! You don’t know how much it affected our relationship. Now I can see it. Silence and keeping things to oneself are never a gay’s best friends.
As I said, after the painful breakup I felt very well and relieved. I was more confident and I felt liberated. I started to care more about myself and I improved in my studies and my career. I built stronger bonds with friends and family, I moved to my own apartment, I traveled and met new people. I had fun, sex, and I laughed and felt loved by friends and lovers. I was in bloom, facing the street each morning knowing that I was able not only to experience a long-term relationship with a hot, creative and loving man (in spite of the cheating during the last phase of the relationship, of course) but also to be able to get over it once it was over. Again, I felt stronger, confident, attractive, interesting, you name it…I remembered I laughed when somebody mentioned how Nicole Kidman bloomed after Tom Cruise broke up with her. Her roles, her image, her charisma and charm were unbeatable and irresistible. I felt just like that, I had my Nicole post-Tom phase. So early 2000’s.
But now it’s over. I have been single for 2 years, a few short relationships (nothing serious or truly special), my flat looks beautiful, and my closet has the perfect outfit for each one of my ever changing moods. My friends love to come over to my place, they enjoy my meals and I have the best of times cooking for them. But surprise! Something is missing. And you know exactly what I’m talking about.
I just turned 32 and I have to admit I have more fears now than ever before. I don’t know how to start a relationship, I feel clumsy, I can’t trust other people, I don’t want to get hurt, I just feel like a mess when I meet somebody. So many things going on in my head at the same time, all mixed up, I feel numb and inarticulate as probably this text will be.
I didn’t come out officially to my family yet. And now I see this is no small detail. I never thought it was necessary. Until now, now that I feel it’s affecting me in such a major way. How can I trust others if I don’t truly trust myself? How can I prevent pain from happening if I keep hurting myself by staying in the closet, leaving my family behind?
I have no clue how to move on. All of this just clicked. But I know I will, probably because of all the stories I have been reading here, from the very first time I came across this website, feeling a little hesitant and reluctant. I can’t wait all my life for somebody to save me and show me the way. I mean, I am supposed to be that person, right?
I’d love to share a loving and moving story, too. But maybe next time, guys. First, I have to learn how to share who I really am with the people closest to me.