Gay. I’ve considered this word throughout my life, trying to find the place for it and the meaning of it, to me.
Growing up in San Francisco, where the Gay Parade was as synonymous to me as a child as the Columbus Day parade. The stigma associated with being gay never transpired in my field of vision. Where I come from, gays are proud and fueled by their authority and freedom to express themselves. They can lie together outside on the grass or the beach and celebrate their life choice. Knowing that choosing who they love will never be compromised; Man, woman and transgender alike.
What I experienced in those early years is that love is universal. Same-sex love is not a demonic deviation of heterosexual love. Love is love. It comes from the young and old, rich and poor, Chinese and black… it comes from our hearts. Who we give it to is our choice.
So I carried this brilliant piece of knowledge with me on my journey through life. I applied it to every interaction I ever had, like when a friend of mine told me she was gay, but in the closet. I dragged her to every gay bar, party and event I could find. I wanted her to know, as I did, that she could love whoever the hell she wanted. I surely had.
Yet, throughout that coming out of the closet for my friend, I began to wonder what my own true intentions really were. What about the impulses I never had the guts to act on? I have always been attracted to and admired women. Yet, as a woman, I have always masked my attraction, as merely a keen observer who appreciates beauty. If I were true to myself, if I were completely honest, I would say that I long for nothing more than to lie with a woman and stroke her hair and kiss her neck.
I know inside, from the bottom of my heart, that I could love a woman more deeply and passionately than I could a man. My friend is successfully dating now. She is scheduled to have sex this weekend with a girl she met on the internet. Although I am in a relationship, engaged to be married, I don`t know what part of me wouldn’t give it all up for one moment like the one she will have.
I am afraid to admit this to myself, let alone to anyone else.
Gay has been redefined for me, over and over again. I know we are free to love who we choose. But I also know that when we choose it we are not free. I will pretend to have crushes on girls to incite illicit reactions in males but I will never tell them that I would choose her over them a thousand times over.
I will never call myself gay.