I’m From Cut and Shoot, TX.

by kenneth rainer

I attended a small Baptist church and a somewhat small high school. I have lesbian grandparents, which I believe assisted in this stigma against homosexuality in my household. I believe that my mother always resented my grandparents for being lesbians. She used to tell me how embarrassed she was of them. Therefore, the idea of coming out was not an option. And as you can imagine, the people of Cut and Shoot were not big supporters of it either. So I did what any good Baptist boy would do and went to school, met a girl, and got married.

I seriously thought that I could change myself. Eventually not being able to live with that internal struggle pressing on me day in and day out, I came out last January to my wife. We got divorced; she now says that she has forgiven me. It was strange for people to hear but I did love my wife and that was a main reason I came out to her. She deserved to not live a life or marriage that was a lie. Even worse my immediate family now considers me to be an animal because of my incapability of making a choice about my sexuality. It bothers me a little but I know one day they’ll come around. They need to remember that no matter what, I was and always will be a product of them. I realize how depressing this sounds but for anyone reading this, I have never been happier in my life than I am today. It is so incredible to not have that weight of wondering whether people are going to figure me out anymore. Also, I know what you’re feeling with disappointing people if they find out. It’s difficult but you have to get over it. The only people that I have disappointed are my immediate family members, but I still have friends, I still have my grandparents, and most of all I have the truth now living inside and outside of me. I really don’t wish my experience on anyone, but I am aware that there are many people like me out there. I wish you good luck and remember to stay strong and love yourself. This is your life, no one else’s.

7 Comments:

  1. I know the story all too well, my friend. Texas was hell on all of us. Stay happy!

  2. I would just like to give an update. I have finally started speaking with my mom again. It’s been really great. She realized she’d rather have a gay son, than a no son at all. Things really always do work out for the best, even though it may not be apparent at the time, it really does.

  3. Hey Kenneth – great news FTW. Glad you gave the update.

  4. Your story is not depressing at all. It gives hope to others that they to can be honest with those that are the most important, and hopefully before dragging a poor spouse into the mess.

  5. Kenneth,
    I’m from Conroe. In some ways I’m still getting over it (I live in Seattle now). I thought I could run away and pretend my years in East Texas never happened, but it’s just not possible to do that. The fact is I love the forests and the red soil and the friends who helped me keep my sanity or lose it in creative ways.
    There’s a blogger who grew up not too far from you; he now lives in San Francisco and has a great blog that tells a lot of his history: http://www.sfmoby.us/. He is a strong and amazing individual.

    Peace.

  6. Good story, far from depressining buddy! I give you props for actually being honest with yourself. Life has a crazy way of making you play it “Do you fold or do you press on.” I’m happy your mom finally came around, ignorance is a horrible disease of the mind. “Love knows no gender… no sexuality… no prejudice… it just knows love.”

  7. Thank you very much, I really appreciate your comments.

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