I’m From Monterrey, Nuevo Leon, Mexico.

by Gustavo

Google Earth Satellite Image of Nuevo Leon Mexico
I’m From Monterrey, Nuevo Leon, Mexico.

19 years old, and the perfect son but there’s just one little detail: I’m bi.

When I was 14 I realized that but didn’t care too much about it. The time passed and I began to see boys just as another way to have fun and “satisfy” my needs, there was still no problem about that.

Recently I met a really nice guy, we hanged out lots of times, he liked me a lot, but I was afraid of getting involved in something serious, and also there wasn’t too much chemistry in the physical side, so I moved on and I left that guy without saying anything, just using my final exams as an excuse. I felt terrible, I think he thinks that I used him and played with him, but that isn’t true.

During that time I went through a very hard crisis, I didn’t eat too much, I was really weak, and I had final exams, so it was a terrible combination. That crisis was because I was finally accepting who I am, and realizing what I really want in my life.

Perfection is a word that describes me very well. For my parents I’m the perfect son, the one with the high grades, the one studying a really good career, the handsome one, what else could they ask for. I looked for that perfection in my life, being perfect in every sense has been like a goal for me, and being bi just made the road to perfection a difficult and impossible one. So accepting my sexuality was really tough for me.

All my life I pictured myself marrying a nice woman, having four children, having a perfect family, and since I met that guy, that image blurred, I began to accept, that I could be happy marrying a man, probably adopting some kids (obviously out of this country) and being a happy family. The image I had all my life was corrupted and I had to accept a new one, that was another difficult challenge.

All those days were horrible; I cried day by day just asking God and the universe why does it have to be me? I still can’t get the answer but I know it’s not really necessary to know it, and that one day it will just arrive to me.

Another obstacle in my life has been my family. It’s viewed as a perfect one, all the sons are handsome and intelligent, the parents are a happy couple, everything is nice. But there are no perfect families in this world. The sons: one bi, and I’m pretty sure the young one is also; the daughter: full of stereotypes about herself, and that’s dangerous because it can create serious psychological problems in the future; the parents: they fight very often for really stupid things, the son doesn’t want to tell them that he is bi so he doesn’t create more problems; the dad: cheats on the mom, I know and my sister also; the mom: a workaholic with not so much time for her family.

My friends, always making homophobic comments, I always have to listen to that, and try to create a nice image of gay people to them, but it seems impossible, although they all say that if they had a gay friend, there would be no problem, so that sometimes encourages me to come out to them, but that won’t happen for a very long time.

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