I’m From San Pedro Garza Garcia, Nuevo Leon, Mexico.

by rodrigo

The changes in life that we notice the most are the bold ones. Subtlety comes so easily to the secret-holders; we live in silence, and we barely hear our own echoes.

But silence can sometimes be deafening. We wish for one of those bold changes, a master key to unlock the iron bolts that are incarcerating our souls, our desires. In order to yield to the cravings of affection that solitude renders, we have to be true to ourselves… we need to sacrifice what we hold sacred: our personality frauds.

It took me a long time to finally accept who I am, what I cannot change, and what I am supposed to cherish. It took me a long time to stop hating God, my genome, the universe, and whatnot. But now I know that hate only amplifies the silence.

I wish I could tell you that I love myself. But I do not wish to lie, because this is the first time that my true voice will ever be heard. Ever since I was a young teenager, I tried to cling to an image that has been sculpted meticulously by my society: picture the handsome boy, with the cute girl besides him, a successful career, and a high place in society. That’s what my parents signed up for when they decided to produce me. They didn’t want a gay son, the ridiculous cartoon portrayed in the parades, promiscuous and flamboyant. The good news is, even though I’m gay, they’re still not getting that son. Not that there is anything wrong with those guys.

I am a 21-year-old college student. I have good grades, and I speak four languages. Humanity teaches us to always reach further, to set greater goals, and most importantly, to accomplish them. And I intend to do all that.

My reason for writing this is: I’ve never told a soul that I’m gay. I’m not afraid; I’m completely and utterly terrified. Stunned-in-the-spot horrified. The single mental picture of my parents finding out, the pain in their eyes, the disgust in my brothers’ expressions, that sole mental image is enough to break my heart. I like to call my city the city of robots. There is another post in this site that gives a detailed explanation of our city’s social dynamics, so I won’t get into it here.

I’ve battled numerous depressions, homophobic remarks from my friends (not towards me, but it hurts just the same). I keep watching these “It Gets Better” videos, and I’m sure it does… if you live in the United States where homosexuality isn’t so much of a sin like in the rest of America.

My family cannot bear another emotional strain. When my brother came out as a drug addict my parents almost got a divorce. I don’t want to be the cause of their splitting. I don’t want to hurt anyone, especially not myself. I feel like I’m drowning with no water involved. The pain in my chest is almost unbearable. You don’t cage an eagle… you just don’t.

But the almost obsessive necessity to maintain an appearance of Mexican masculinity, to not look weak in front of anyone, to be that man that my parents intended me to be… it’s almost too much. I can’t keep on holding that weight by myself for much longer.

It’s been ten years of pure hell. Ten years of lies after lies after lies. Sometimes I don’t even know where I stand with my best friends. I’ve caused a thousand tears, and I’ve held a billion inside.

I wish I could delete these confessions and make up a story about coming out with rainbows and Britney songs. But that would not be the truth, and what’s the point in lying again?

I need some kind of sign. I need a light breeze of hope to balance the burning ache in every heartbeat. I need a reason to genuinely smile. I need to feel alive.

The worst thing is that I know that being gay doesn’t define me. The fact that I like boys does not determine what type of music I like, or what author I like to read; it doesn’t even influence my sense of humor or my physical appearance. It doesn’t outline who I am, but it certainly dictates who I want to be.

I bury myself in books and music, I go on dates with girls whose hearts I know will be crushed by my fears, and they don’t deserve it. And all that suffering is enough to play a part in a farcical society that produces perfect robotic persons. We are all the same, but at the same time, we couldn’t be more fake even if we tried.

But my real question is: How could I be myself without losing who I am for the rest of the world? I know that love is supposed to be unconditional… but unfortunately I live in the real world.

So I urge the world to hear my cries of pain, to witness my invisible tears, and to sense my intangible scars, all of this while putting my soul back where it belongs.

22 Comments:

  1. This is Beautifully written. My compliments would fall short of recognizing this.
    I hope you can accept yourself knowing that who want, doesn’t define who you are. In the very least, I hope that writing this released some tension and fear from inside of you, so you no longer feel that you are drowning.

    I wish you luck and much succes in your life.

  2. Everyone who is gay understands what you are saying. I came out a long time ago, shortly after Stonewall, more than 40 years ago. Many of my generation of gay men consider the word “gay” a political statement. You can be attracted to males, and even have sex with them without being gay. When you are gay, you are someone who is not afraid to tell anyone your sexual identify, should they ask. You do not live a lie.

    Despite what you say, you are not yet gay. You are someone who is attracted to men. The two things are not the same. You will not be able to say you are gay until you can say it out loud, and until you see your life in a political context. From what you describe of your life, you are not yet in a safe or secure enough position to make that transition. There is no shame in that. So stop feeling sorry for yourself. You will be gay when you are ready.

    When you decided you are ready to be gay, you must accept the political reality that you will have to make emotional, personal, social, and financial sacrifices. Nevertheless, these sacrifices are for the greater good: for yours, and for society’s.

    You talk about your concern for your family. That’s understandable. But try to accept the fact that you did not ask to be born into that family, nor did you choose to be homosexual. In the future, your responsibilities to them should be in proportion to their acceptance of you as a gay man. If your family rejects you because you choose to live a gay life, you may need to reject them. However, there is a welcoming gay community that will become your family if that should happen.

    And if you are worried about causing your family pain, don’t. Their pain will be inconsequential compared to the pain you will experience living a closeted life. I repeat: you did not ask for this life, they gave it to you.

    It comes down to this. Who are you living your life for? If you decide to live your own life, live it as a gay man. You will have a better chance to live a happy life. If you want to live your life for others, than make those others people who are less fortunate than you, people who are in pain and who are suffering. But don’t live your life for your family if they are going to inflict pain and suffering on you. That’s self-destructive.

    Love, Paul
    [PS: I lived in Mexico as a teenager, so I know something of your reality. Mexico is not the world, especially for someone who speaks four languages!]

  3. Rodrigo,
    Your story is well written and causes a visceral response. I am of the same generation as Paul above, but took a different path. I chose to live a closeted gay life – out to my gay loves and friends – closeted to work, family, and straight friends.

    Paul is SO correct in stating that the pain i caused myself by not being honest with everyone is much greater than the pain could have been in being real as soon as I was in a safe adult place (financially supporting self) –

    I too watch the coming out and ‘it gets better’ vids and realize that the paths of out gay friends is so much better than the path i chose.

    Keep your grades and your options wide open. The oppportuniites in a world wide economic growth are enormous – global commerce will be the option that provides you a great door open into out life. And, there are many happy and successful gay mentors and role models in Mexico as well.

    Good luck young man – insprie yourself – i know that you will be happy you did so. And, i predict that your family will adjust. But, as Paul said, even if they don’t – you will find a new and loving family in life as an out gay and proud man.

    kirk in atlanta

  4. Dear Rodrigo,
    I have to say that from my perspective (a seventeen year old boy from Cape Town South Africa) your life, as you tell us, sounds horribly oppressive.

    I can’t begin to understand what it must be like to have to struggle in a situation as detrimental to your mental health as yours. I may not be “out” yet, and I do understand the difference of being gay and just being attracted to men. I myself can’t bring myself to say the words out loud. It stems from what others perceived of me when I was still perceptible to the harsh opinions of my community.

    For me, coming out to almost all my friends has been one of the best decision I have ever made. You’d be surprised by how understanding and loyal people who care can be. I plan to use the same thinking to come out to my parents by the end of the year. ( Wish me luck btw, lol.) But, for me this “episode” in my life has not been easy. I’ve learnt that if you let fear get to you then you’re letting the pedantic people win.

    I’m still young, but because of the way others have treated me, I feel wise beyond my years. Kirk said Mexico isn’t the real world but I’d imagine it can be quite cruel there. Probably more cruel than my own world.

    I wish you strength, love, happiness and a lot of luck. And always know that life is never as complicated we’re led to perceive. Our minds and the words of those who wish to instill fear into us have made it complicated. Just listen to your heart ( some dudey said this to me and I was like… “Corny!”. But trust me it can work. :) ) and you’ll know how to go about freeing yourself. 😛

    Love simeon.

  5. I am a 50 year old man in Canada and I really don’t have any idea of your reality, but the emotions you describe, the fear, the lack of love for yourself, I have experienced those.
    When I was a child and especially when I was a teen, I was teased and bullied about being a pansy, a girly boy, a fag, a queer. So I learned to hide that part of myself. I learned to hide so well that I even hid my sexuality from myself. I learned to believe the people that told me that it was wrong and evil to want to be with a man. So I hid from myself for many years.
    When I was 43 years old my father died.
    After that I realized that if I did not want to die estranged from myself in the same way that my father had become estranged from me that I would have to force myself to realize all that I am.
    I then set out on my journey of discovery. Part of that journey was admitting to myself that I am a man who is attracted to other men. I found that I am not just sexually attracted, but I am also emotionally and romantically drawn to other men.
    This led me to finally come out to my wife and now adult children. This process took me more than five years.
    I have now been out for two years, have had one failed dating relationship with another man, and am at the moment alone.
    Throughout, the journey has been emotional, difficult and at times, quite jarring. But I am finally at peace with myself and my place in the world. I am finally optimistic about my future. I don’t know what’s in store for me, whether or not I will meet someone else to share my life with.
    But, the one piece of advice I can offer, is to learn to love yourself no matter who or what you are. Give yourself the freedom to explore not only who you are today, but also to explore the man you can become.
    Make your decisions based on what is going to make your journey complete. A journey that you can be proud of taking.
    And know also, that it is much more healthy and much, much easier on you to live a life where you can be open and honest with yourself and with those who love you, than it is to hide from yourself and others.
    Hiding only leads to pain.
    Try to be kind to yourself. And look for that optimism.
    Live your truth.

  6. Escribiste un reflejo de por lo que muchos pasamos. Espero que puedas encontrar una balanza de lo que te hace feliz y lo que quieres hacer para evitar lastimar a tus queridos. Toma un dia a la vez.

  7. Thank you all so much for your kind words. I’ve been feeling better this past few weeks, I’ve decided to look for other people like me in my city, but it’s like trying to find a needle in a haystack. Anyway, thank you all for being supportive, you have no idea how much it means to me.
    I just felt like I had to clarify something: My city isn’t as horrible as it sounds. It’s probably the best city to live in Mexico, but people are very closed-minded and Catholic-Church-bound, if you know what I mean.

    Regio,
    Do you know of any LGBT groups in the city? I’ve been trying to find one, but it’s impossible. And for the first time ever, Google isn’t doing the trick.

  8. Rodrigo,
    Just deal with one moment at a time. Try coming out to someone who you feel absolutely comfortable with about this issue and go slow :) It DOES get better.

  9. I would have said the following privately to Paul, but I have no way to do so…so I will do it here.

    Paul, you are no different than the hetero that berates a person for not being straight enough. If someone hasn’t suffered what you have suffered then he’s not gay enough. What utter bullshit. You no more have the right to demand that Rodrigo (or anyone else) force themselves into your narrow-minded parameters of what is and isn’t right, or moral, or gay than any other person does. You are not trying to be helpful, you are being just as much of a bully as anyone who would sling ‘gay’ or ‘faggot’ as an insult. You’re no different than the family and friends from whom Rodrigo fears disapproval, disconnection and loss of affection. You ARE them, just standing on the other side of the fence. You are not kind, you are judgmental. You are not offering understanding, only disgust and demands. By declaring that he must live his life as you choose to live yours or you will not allow him to call himself ‘gay’, you prove yourself to be a pompous ass who thinks he knows the only way to be gay. NEWS FLASH!!! There is no one way. Not even yours. Get over it.

    Rodrigo, I hope you find your way soon. I wish you well in anything you undertake.

  10. Dear Rodrigo

    I, as many others reading your story, feel a resonance in what you share with us. What you relate is common for many of us, specially the born and raised in conservative Latin America. The phase in which you are is particulary difficult, and can be very strenuous. Please, do not despair. It is true that there’s no correct way of coming out, it is a very personal process. Do not rush, do not feel pushed to do it. It is not a bad idea to wait, perhaps, for a better time to do it. That is something you must decide. What others have commented, about being in a “secure” position to do it is also important. I waited until I was able to sustain myself to start coming out, first to my closest friends (all of them are real friends, as all of them accepted me without conditions, male and female friends, and our bonds are even stronger now), then to my mum and family. My dad is another story, coming out is a process, and you are not always ready for sharing this part of your life with all the people at the same time.Specially if your are the only male offspring of the family.

    For what I read I can deduce we share a similar Latin American background, with well positioned families, raised catholic, in a society very concerned about “el qué dirán”, very “machistas” where “a man is supposed to do what a man is supposed to do”… whatever that means! (probably go to school, be the best, have a long list of girls that have been your girlfriends, go to university, earn a big degree, continue your family business, get a beautiful woman from another well positioned family, marry her, have kids to make your parents and hers proud grand-parents, so they can show the rest of the society how well their perfect son is doing, and they can appear in the social-life pages of a prestigious newspaper or glossy magazine with pictures of your wedding and the baptism of your sons, because they must be catholics of course). I also sense you are receiving the best education money can buy (not many public school boys in México learn 4 languages), and you live, as I did, in a very comfortable high-class environment. Probably I’m wrong in some points, but not many isn’t it? :)

    Well, you have advantages. As Paul stated, the world is bigger than we think. I am not suggesting that you must leave your country (by personal experience I know is really hard leaving all behind to start a new life in a, perhaps, more accepting environment), but is always an option for a well educated man.

    Probably I am not the most expert person to give advice, but I want to share with you only a couple of ideas. Life is a wonderful gift. It is given only once, and you’ll never recover the time spent in darkness and despair. Second, YOU ARE AN EXTREMELY VALUABLE HUMAN BEING. With capital letters. You are important, and your well being is extremely important too. You live your life for you, not for others. The time spent trying to live your life for pleasing others or fulfilling other persons expectatives is time lost! They had their opportunities, so do not waste yours. I know that we do not live in a perfect world, and that our families are not perfect either (after all, we are only imperfect humans), but love IS inconditional. Those who really love you will stay at your side always. If not, then they probably weren’t being honest about their feelings for you.

    About your central question, well, I think we must be only “one” person, the same to ourselves and to the world. Being two different persons may be like living a lie. Integrity is always good, but being “one” does not mean you have to share all aspects of your life with everybody. Remember that we gays have dedicated a lot of time to introspection (about who we are, how to accept ourselves, what we want of life, what is love to us, etc) than most of the people around you, so do not expect all the world to be deeply connected with themselves so that they can understand your profound needs as a human and being sympathetic with you in a fraction of second.

    There’s always a reason to be alive. The “it gets better” idea is really so. One day you’ll find someone special, most probably in a very unexpected way, and it will be like you’ve been struck by a lightning bolt, you’ll feel so happy that you’ll literally shine. Do not deny yourself that experience, and please do not have self-destructive feelings. You deserve better than that.

    And one last thing: truth does not harm. Truth is one of the most liberating things. Truth is another way of showing love and trust. You are a wonderful person as you are. After all, your main concern in this period of your life is about loving others (male or female, parents, family or friends), and that’s exactly what good people do, love. What about start loving yourself a little bit more? All the best to you.

  11. Don’t take it so hard. Live.
    This is robot land, I must agree. Image is everything, and its what we must always take care of, and its so superficial, we all become like that at some point.
    Sigue adelante, por mas que sufras, por mas que duela, por mas que quisieras cambiar todo, por mas que darias todo por ser “normal.”
    Trata de ser solo uno, ser como eres en verdad, ser tu. En un mar de personas, quien se atreve a resaltar? Quien tiene la confianza de desafiar el status quo? Quien se atreve a ser de verdad?
    Nadie, y tan seguido vemos que todos somos una mancha igual, vamos por lo mismo, buscamos lo mismo, y somos lo mismo, la viva imagen de la busqueda de la perfeccion, pero nadie es perfecto, y nadie lo llegara a ser, sean drogas,familia, dinero alcohol, sexo, o preferencias sexuales, todos tenemos algo que nos hace diferentes, pero nadie se atreve, y todos hemos pasado por ahi.
    Hijo de divorciados, tengo un medio hermano en estados unidos del que ni se supone que debo saber, todos mis viajes se ven arruinados por el egoismo y la estupides de mis padres, vivo pensando que no tengo nada, y todo lo que recibo debo agradecerlo,pero cuando llegan los estados de cuenta, es hasta ridiculo el hecho de que no puedo contar cn nada, todos mis logros son mios, me crie casi solo, vivo buscando alguien o algo que me haga feliz, que me respete y que me quiera, y que no me de miedo quererlo, y he visto mi situacion en diferentes angulos, y honestamente a mi ya ni me importa, porque no tengo por que mas desvivirme por ello, simplemente es asi y yo no lo voy a poder cambiar, y por mas que pudiera tener mas, por mas que me pudiera hacer un ser despreciable, hipocrita y sin escrupulos, no quiero, porque en lo que si fui educado fue en ser honorable, buena persona, y siempre ayudar en todo lo posible, y aqui estoy, desviviendome por todo el mundo, pleasing everyone, por que esperas que sean agradecidos, que cuando lo necesites en algun momento lo hagan por ti. Es dificil entender la situacion que uno pasa, y yo se que tanto tu como yo somos muy diferentes, eso ya lo he comprobado. Y yo se que sueño con lo imposible, y mis expectativas son muy altas, pero sigo aqui. No mueres tratando, y si mueres? Trataste. No tiene nada de malo dar todo de uno mismo. y si pierdes? Te levantas. Sigues fuerte, y llegara un punto en el que el ser fuerte sera todo lo que puedes ser, en que ya no vale la pena nada, y buscas alguna ayuda, buscas algo o a alguien a quien aferrarte, pero muy pocas veces eres respondido con repicrocidad.
    Te vuelves una fortaleza, rejection stops hurting, or so you think, even though it does hurt. Tratas de tomar la vida por el lado superficial, por la diversion, pero carpe diem solo te matara mas facil que tus problemas, y no sabes que hacer, no sabes a donde mirar, las opiniones ya ni te importan, ya ni te importa sobrepasarte, o perder tu dignidad, quieres que te salven de esta oscuridad, pero no hay nadie, solo eres tu. Toda tu confianza, tus esperanzas en la gente, tu amor, tu humanidad, no valen? Sigo sin creer que eso sea posible, por mas que siga cayendo en ello.
    Yo me enseñe, y me sigo enseñando, que cuando las cosas son demasiado buenas como para ser verdad, es porque no son verdad.
    Pero sigo desafiando ala vida a probar eso incorrecto.

    no hay ninguna solucion, mas que confiar, mas que creer, a veces ciegamente, pero la esperanza nunca muere.
    Todo se vuelve un escenario, pero hey, relajate, tomalo con calma, se feliz, se tu mismo, algun dia te volveras loco y no sabras nada, no podras ser tu, la paranoia te inundara, y es mejor no llegar a eso.
    Relajate, toma la vida despacio y con calma, y disfrutala, vivela, ten experiencias, y no cierres puertas de las que no estes completamente seguro, don’t shut people off, and don’t bury yourself from people.Because sometimes there won’t be a helping hand, but sometimes there will be, and you must take it.
    Live. not here, not there, everywhere. you are who you are, not based on nation’s ideologies,or societies’ criticism, but on your own essence, if you die, how will everyone remember you? how will you remember yourself?

    en fin, nous devons vivre.

    You know who I am.
    I send you my best, like always.
    your ” fb” friend
    G.

  12. Hola
    Rodrigo

    Yo también vivo en San Pedro. Tengo 22 años y estudio en la UDEM. Comprendo tu historia, ya que muchos amigos han pasado por lo mismo. Yo he pasado por algo similar, pero tuve la fortuna de tener amigos que me aceptaron. Le conté a mi mejor amiga cuando tenía 15 años y desde entonces todos mis amigos prácticamente saben de mí. Nadie de mis amigos me ha dado la espalda, sino todo lo contrario; incluso mis amigos religiosos han cambiado de opinión.

    No estás solo, hay muchos como tú con la misma historia aquí en San Pedro. Si crees que tus amigos no son un pilar en el cual te puedas apoyar en este momento, busca a otro grupo o alguna persona que te pueda. El simple hecho de hablarlo ayuda.

    Mi familia todavía no saben de mi (más bien lo siguen negando). Mis padres han pertenecido y pertenecen a grupos religiosos y esperan lo mismo que tus padres esperan de ti. Pero puedes ser alguien exitoso, con una familia, feliz y ser gay.

    Si necesitas contactarme aunque sea sólo para platicar por escrito puedes escribirme a mi correo [email protected]

  13. Hola, soy de Perú y entiendo tu situación completamente. Creo que la sociedad está poco a poco aceptando la homosexualidad. Sin embargo, eso no ocurre tan abiertamente en Latinoamérica, es verdad. Hay algo que pienso, acaso una persona heterosexual tiene que contar a sus padres, que es heterosexual?. El mundo está lleno de prejuicios, la gente actúa y forma esquemas mentales a partir de ellos, me da mucha pena decir que esto parece “natural” hoy en día.

    Sin embargo, creo que uno tiene la libertad de vivir como quiere, amar a quien quiera y sentir lo quiere sentir, obviamente que sin hacer daño a otros. La familia y los verdaderos amigos creo que deberían de aceptar esto para lograr poco a poco una equidad en la sociedad.

    Mi familia no sabe de mi (me lo han preguntado, pero yo lo negué, no me siento aún capaz de hacerlo), pero tengo amigos que sí lo saben, y sí me apoyan. Estoy esperando tener alguna relación seria y bonita como para abrirme ante mi familia. Sin embargo, una muy buena amiga me dijo: la familia no sólo está unida por lazos de sangre, tus verdaderos amigos también son tu familia, y no debes sentirte avergonzado por quien eres, más bien siéntete avergonzado por los demás, quienes viven en un mundo de esquemas mentales cerrados y cuasi espirituales. Tu vida es esta, te gusta?. Si la respuesta no es totalmente clara, pues qué esperas para ser tú en verdad. El mundo está lleno de prejuicios, es verdad, pero individualmente podemos demostrar que aún hay personas que demuestran su humanidad con amor y equidad. No creo que debas apresurarte en abrirte totalmente al mundo aún, pero este post es un primer paso, el primer paso ya lo haz dado. Tan sólo cree en ti mismo, y cuando creas conveniente, da los siguientes pasos. Vive tu vida a tu modo, ama a quien quieras, y siente lo que quieres sentir. La vida es una y es tuya, nadie puede manipularla, tan sólo tú.

  14. Rodrigo,
    Escribes excelentemente acerca de un tema difícil de discutir. Tómalo un día a la vez y sé gentil contigo mismo; tu vida es tuya y de nadie más, así que disfrutala. La realidad es dura a veces, pero no estás solo. Para hacer eco a Dan Savage, las cosas mejoran (y no solo en EUA). A tu pregunta acerca de grupos LGBT en la ciudad, esto es a lo que puedo dirigirte:

    http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/DIGE/138961442816001

    Estoy seguro que hay más grupos, sabiéndolos buscar, pero por lo pronto éste es el que conozco. Vivo en Monterrey y estudio en el Tec; no dudes en contactarme si necesitas apoyo. Mi correo es [email protected]. Nada cuesta (y mucho bien hace) tener alguien con quien hablar. Tienes mi más sincera solidaridad y comprensión.

    Saludos,
    Rolando

  15. Hi Rodrigo,

    I don’t know where to begin… Honestly I don’t know how I even came to this website but I guess it was for a reason. I’m not gay but I feel your pain. Let me explain, when I started to read your blog post I said to my self “wow, there is someone out there that knows what the darkness feels like” But as I read on I realized that your darkness came from not being able to fully express to your family who you are. I’m a 22 year old girl going to college, but I was born in Mexico but raised in the U.S. and although you feel like the U.S. is a lot more liberal you would be surprised that in some areas it’s not. I too have felt the darkness and I look to find happiness and light in my life every day. I have never been to Nuevo Leon Mexico but I completely understand how oppressing Mexican society can be.. even here in the U.S. I hope this little note gives you comfort that you are not alone. Please don’t do anything you will regret and I know that one day you will be able to be all that you want to be. If you ever need to talk e-mail me. It would be nice to have a Mexican friend (I was the only Mexican in my High School). I hope you have an amazing day. Smile :)

  16. I’m from Monterrey and I had a similar experience. I moved away from Monterrey 15 years ago so I could be openly gay. I graduated from the “Tec de Monterrey,” and then got into graduate school in a University in the US.

    I made a lot of mistakes along the way, but ultimately, things worked out and I now I’m openly gay and happy. My situation was somewhat different from Rodrigo’s, but not so much.

    Things I did Wrong

    In Monterrey, I dated a woman for a few years, and when I came out I had a huge falling out with her and with many of our friends in common. I am attracted to women, but not enough to want to be in a long-term intimate relationship with one. I did not understand this at the time I started dating her though. Having sex with women did not mean I was straight. (I still was and am primarily gay, and I relate to men romantically and emotionally much more than I do to women, but I did not understand that at first).

    People have certain expectations. She wanted to get married, and I desperately wanted to be straight. It was a recepie for disaster.

    Once out of the closet, I wanted to find a man who would fix things for me, and that was a mistake. You have to create a place in your life where you are healthy, independent, and stable. You can’t expect a potential mate to fix things for you. That’s too big a burden for a potential mate.

    Experiment with sex! Sex is fun and good! You can enjoy sex while you are being safe and healthy. Not every relationship has to turn into “the one” relationship for the rest of your life. Fuck a lot of people!

    Things I Did Right

    I moved away. I got a job. I got my own apartment.

    In Monterrey, my family is conservative, old fashioned and very protestant. But, they are also loving, smart and funny. If you come out to them when you are in a place in your life where you don’t depend on them financially, they will come around! If they don’t want to accept you, tell them you wont see them anymore. They’ll come around.

    After I moved away, I emailed my dad and told him I was gay. He called me on the phone and told me that was fine. He was really fine with it! He’s an intellectual after all and very progressive in many ways.

    My mom took about six months to come around. She was mean and horrible when I first came out to her. I told her I would never talk to her again, and six months later, after I did not call her, she finally “accepted” me. It’s been a long process for her, but she loves my boyfriend now.

    : – )

    I would recommend

    Listen to Dan Savage! Dan Savage has a podcast on sex positive, “ggg,” sex for everyone. More particularly, he has had a few episodes about being young,gay, and living in horrible places: not Monterrey. He talks to teenagers living in truly backwards places like rural Alabama.

    Come out to a few good friends. I wish I had. You will be relieved and liberated.

    Lastly, I would advice you to not let older gay man take advantage of you! Be safe and healthy. When you go to Houston, San Antonio, or wherever, go to the gay and lesbian section at Bortder’s and buy books on whatever interests you: relationships, romance, sex, whatever. Be informed. There are lots of good books, blogs, and podcasts out there.

  17. I’m moving to Chicago in two weeks, let’s hope everything changes.
    Thanks for all your support.

  18. Wow en verdad me llego tu historia yo ahorita mas o menos paso por la misma situación
    y de hecho vengo llegando de casa de un amigo y claro que con todos los comentarios homofóbicos que sacan te incomoda un buen.
    Todo lo que dices es muy cierto, el hecho de no ser aceptado o causar conflictos en la familia, la imgen del hijo perfecto que tiene mis papás y todo mundo que me conoce y que sería así como una “decepción”.
    Estaría padre conocernos algún día (también vivo en mty) para platicar y todo y pues tener como alguien que te apoye
    Un abrazo y pues ojalá si andas en Chicago, que todo esté mucho mejor allá donde la sociedad es más abierta y comprensiva.

  19. inga me pusiste lo mismoo a mi.

  20. Rod, te entiendo Bro, tambíen soy de sanpedro. Jalas platicar? Kik:Danlannister1

  21. Oh dear Rod, I pretty much understand what you went through, if you are out by now good for you but if you aren’t, you will soon overcome that annoying barrier of fear, I wish you all the luck and good vibes in every step of the way. Just breath and be true to yourself.

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