I consider myself a female-assigned genderqueer pansexual. Though I am open to dating a person of any gender or gender variant, I’ve only had experience with cismen and ciswomen. It’s the women I want to talk about, or rather, my first kiss with a girl.
Now, I can’t tell you the circumstances surrounding my first kiss with a boy. Can’t tell you who it was with, how old I was, where it happened. I haven’t the foggiest notion. My first kiss with a girl I remember like it was yesterday.
I had three friends over to my house, hanging out in my room: the guy I ultimately ended up losing my virginity to, my best gay and our mutual friend I’ll call CJ. CJ and the straight guy disappeared into my huge walk-in closet to make out, or whatever. After a few minutes, he emerged. He said that I should go in with CJ next. I wanted to, so bad, but I didn’t want to make her feel uncomfortable, so I just gave her this deer-in-the-headlights look. She giggled and signaled me over and soon the closet door was closed behind me. I was scared. Just reminiscing on this, my heart is pounding with the same blend of nervousness and exhilaration I felt that day. Before I knew it, our lips touched. You know how romance movies always talk about fireworks and sometimes pull out the camera for a crane shot of the sky blazing with actual fireworks (as if the metaphor weren’t enough)? I saw them. Right behind my eyelids, clenched shut, fire flowers blossomed. Maybe I was so nervous, I had a small stroke, but to me it felt like magic. I’d kissed a few boys at that point and felt nothing. I could have kissed a cold, dead salmon and felt more. But when her lips touched mine, it was like the universe unfolded and revealed itself to me.
I’ve never had this feeling since, but to me it’s one of those experiences that you’re lucky to have once in your life, if at all. It showed me my attraction to women was most certainly legitimate and real and that anyone who wants to rob someone of the feeling like I had simply because they aren’t straight is an enemy. Whoever your lips long to kiss, whoever your heart longs to love, is nobody’s business but yours (and the kissee’s, I suppose). Nothing wrong could feel that much like magic.
Go make magic, children.
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