I’m From New York, NY.

by Deryck Todd

Satellite overhead image of New York State from Google Earth 2022

I came out in the early 2000’s, though even now dating can be a bit of a slippery slope especially in the Big Apple. But I’ve learned it’s about having fun. Fortunately I had the honor of being in Time Out New York’s annual “Single Issue.” In terms of responses, I got some great people and also some, let’s say, more colorful agendas. I posed the question, “If Barbara Eden could grant you three wishes, what would they be?” and here are some of the responses. I meant to change the question to something more witty before it hit press, but the questionnaire was so long, I honestly forgot:

(If it’s you and you’re reading this, don’t worry, I’ll keep it anonymous to the online public but for sure snicker at you quietly with my friends when we see you out in public. Kidding! OK, not really.)

Contestant #1
1. Have telepathic powers.
2. Own a house on the moon.
3. Have a sleep-over party in Pee-Wee’s play house.

OK, not too bad. Honestly, though, I’m guessing if I had a house on the moon, Pee-Wee would be my roommate. Combine #2 and #3.

Contestant #2
1. I’d wish for my cousin to get back safely from Iraq.
2. I’d wish to have both my grandfathers alive again to see me as a grown man.
3. I’d wish that my sister did not live so far away.

On the heavy side, bro. This is a dating response, not a commercial for Xanax. “Do you have symptoms of clinical depression? Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness? Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex, overeating or appetite loss? Try contestant #2 and you’ll no longer be blue!”

Contestant #3
1. That there was a Disneyland somewhere near New York City. (I grew up in Southern ______, and was a frequent visitor)
2. That life could honestly be a musical, not because I’m a singer/actor, but because everyone is just happier in musicals, and who wouldn’t like a happier city?
3. That Kelly Clarkson would just write and sing the soundtrack to my life. Like, a little shoulder dwelling Kelly just doin’ her thing while I’m going through my life.

We all have inner soundtracks to our lives (for me its Rock n Roll Suicide by David Bowie), but hell to the no. If I wanted to date a musical, I’d frequent Rose’s Turn on Musical Mondays or see Meryl Streep’s Mama Mia.

Contestant #4 takes the cake. Read on, read on, read on:

Oh My God! You are SO HOT! I swear I think I’m in love with you! I hate that book He’s Just Not That Into You, too! We are soul mates. I want to have babies with you! I want to roll you in butter and cashews and eat it all off you while singing “Welcome to the Jungle” in a hi falsetto… I want to cut off your hands and pickle them and put them in a decorative vase on top of my TV…please call me! I have been masturbating to your picture in the mag and the pages are all stuck together so i can only recall your glorious face in my mind and need to see you in person! Does it matter that I have a vagina? Should I get rid of it? I would TOTALLY do that for you. Please call me. I fucking love you.

I’ll let that marinate for a second.

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