“This Is Who I Am Supposed To Be.” Trans Man Finds His Truth After Chance Encounter At A Party.

by Kyler Wilson

My name is Kyler Wilson and I’m from Boise, Idaho.

I think I was 8 or 9. My mom began finding suicide notes that I had written about how my family would be better off without me. And I don’t really remember that, but I know that my mom never really understood where that was coming from.

Twelve years old and, you know, starting to go through puberty. And I had been awarded a Mayor’s Award. It was a Mayor’s Award of Excellence. And about three days before the ceremony started – the actual ceremony – I had my very first period, like ever. First time I ever had a period. It was pretty traumatic and I wanted nothing to do with it. And my grandma came into town.

I remember very specifically, we were sitting at the kitchen counter and my mom was in the kitchen and my mom said, “Why don’t you tell your grandmother what happened to you two days ago?”

My heart sank and so I told her, you know, “I started my period.” So she was all excited and my mom was all excited and I just remember thinking to myself, This isn’t what I want. This isn’t exciting to me. It was pretty traumatic. I just went to the Mayor’s ceremony. It was just – it should’ve been exciting but because of how traumatic this first period was, it just was not what I wanted to be.

In the years passed, you know, I struggled with depression off and on but really from the ages of 17 to 22, I really struggled with depression. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder. I was in and out of psychiatric hospitals multiple times and had a total of 7 suicide attempts in that amount of time, from the ages of 17 to 22. The final straw was I would admitted to the state psychiatric hospital for 6 months and that was a pretty traumatic experience but it was – it was just – it was a little bit of a turning point. It was a point where they were able to medicate me to the point where I was able to get my head a little bit above water and I could maybe see myself having a little bit of happiness in life.

I would say about four months after I got out of the hospital, my mom threw this party at her house. And it was a work-associated party. My mom’s like, “Hey, I want to introduce you to these girls that work with me.” And this one specific girl, she had dark hair and blue eyes. And I just immediately, just, I don’t know what it is – I get a little bit of chills thinking about it now, I just had a connection with her instantly.

We started dating and about a year later – so we were girlfriend and girlfriend – and about a year later, we went to this party where we had a few friends and ended up meeting this guy named Jace and his girlfriend at the time. Me and Jace, we just – I don’t know what it was. We just totally hit it off. We had a fun connection. We just had a great time.

So we left the party and we’re driving home and I am remember Allie, like, “Man, Jace was awesome. Like, I just – I like that guy a lot. He was a lot of fun.”

And Allie’s like, “Yeah, you would never guess that – wow – that, you know, he was actually born female.”

And I, in that moment, I was like, “Wait a minute. What? He – no. There’s no way that he was born female. Like, that’s a dude. You’re lying to me.”

And she was like, “No, I’m serious. He’s trans.”

In that one moment, I went, “This is what I need and this is who I’m supposed to be and this is what I’ve been looking for my entire life. I’m trans. I’m not this butch lesbian. I’m transgender.”

So we go home and we were sitting on the couch. We’re just chatting and I’m being really chatty because I am when I’m drunk. I told my girlfriend that I want to cut my boobs off.

And I think, you know, my girlfriend, this is just her personality, she’s like, “Well, you know, I mean, like, right now? Because that seems like that might be kind of a bad idea.” I kind of just like brushed it off. Like, I didn’t really, like, push that any further. And we end the night, we go to bed and I wake up the next day and I’m just – I’m depressed and I’m weepy and I didn’t really want to get out of bed.

My girlfriend comes and she sits down on the bed and she goes, “What’s going on? Like, did you mean maybe that you didn’t want to cut your boobs off? That you mean you want to have a boy’s chest? And maybe you don’t want to be my girlfriend but you want to be my boyfriend?”

I kind of just broke down crying and I was really upset and I was like, “I think so but I don’t know.”

She’s like, “Okay, well, let’s stop crying about it let’s do something about it.” Before long we were researching, you know, what it’s like to start hormones and what all that entails and top surgery and all these things.

By the time I started hormones, and it was July of 2012, I started testosterone. And Jace was the person that gave me my testosterone shot. It was just so fitting that the person that made me realize that I was trans with the one that finally set me forth on that journey.

Finally, in 2015, I was able to get my hysterectomy. That was important because I never had to have a period again. Never, ever again. I had nothing to do with the female anatomy, would never be forced to be is somebody that I wasn’t supposed to be. And then, more importantly, in 2015, I was able to get my top surgery and that was equally as important, because for so long I had these the breasts that made me appear to be somebody that I wasn’t. And I could not wait to get rid of those and to finally, for once, be able to walk around the house without a shirt on and walk outside with no shirt on and be recognized as this male that I was supposed to be, and to have – to look down at my body and go, I’m male. And to recognize, not only do I look male, but it matches what, internally, I’m male also. So it was finally being able to piece my brain with my body and that was so important to me.

And I remember I just could not get that stupid smile off my face. I was so excited and just thrilled. Like, I just felt like I was on top of the world because it was just – there was something about that moment that I don’t think I’ll ever forget how I felt in that moment.

Last year in August 2017, I married the woman of my dreams and we became husband and wife and it was this beautiful wedding with all of their family and friends. I couldn’t be more thrilled to have been able to marry the woman who had never once been anything but my number one fan. And I just – I just – I am so blessed. I am finally the person that I was always supposed to be. I was never meant to be that shy, embarrassed, distraught girl. I was meant to be this.

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