God Compels Gay Christian to Accept Himself. “You’re Trying to Be Something You’re Not.”

by Rob Mundras

I’m Rob Mundras and I am from East Windsor, New Jersey.

When I was in my early twenties, I was an employee at a fast food restaurant, which was called Gino’s. And me and this other guy became friends and we really enjoyed each other’s company.

So one day on a Saturday, I walked into the what we call the chicken room, which is where the chicken was made. And I said to him, “Do you believe in God?”

And he, with extremely bright eyes said, “Yes. Matter of fact, I do.” And come to find out the day before at his youth group, he began – he asked them to pray that he’d have an opportunity to share with me his faith in God. Well, he shared with me his faith and invited me to church – his church the next Sunday, the next day.

I came to have a very close relationship with God. He actually became the reason for my life, the reason for my living. So I went into school to be a minister. Well, there was one small problem and that problem was I’m gay.

But I did meet this lovely woman. and fell in love with her. Now, when I say it fell in love with her, I don’t mean I fell sexually in love with her. I wasn’t attracted to her as a woman because I never had that attraction. I fell in love with her as a person. So I married her and tried to live that life for 23 years.

And in 2005, I was sitting on my back patio in the parsonage that the church had for us. And I was beginning to think about the people in the church that their lives weren’t perfect. And I felt like God spoke to me. When I said he spoke to me, I don’t mean I heard him in my ear. I mean, in my heart. I heard these words come up from the inside of me saying that You’re living a lie. And then the next words that came up were You’re trying to be something you’re not.

So basically I said to God, I said, “God, I’m going to give you five years. Whatever I find in scripture, that’s what I’m going to do.” So three weeks after God had said to me, You’re living in a lie, I realized that I need to begin to make changes in my life. And of course I’m married to a lovely woman, so I – that was the first change that I needed to make.

So I had taken her out to dinner to a nice restaurant and I told her, I said, “Honey, I love you. I am so grateful for the time that we have together. But you need to know something… that I’m gay. You’re thinking that you can pray this away. You can believe God is going to change. I’ve been at this now for 30 years and there’s been no change. But I want you to accept the fact that I’m gay and that our life is about to come to a major change.”

And I had taken myself off of all of the dating apps that are out there, thinking, Okay, I am actually that you’re going to find in scripture how I need to live my life, or I’m going to go back into the closet, which was a huge issue with me but this is… this was my reality.

I got this email from this guy and he says to me, “Oh, I saw your posting. I think we’d be a good match.”

My response to him was, “Well, Jesus is the center of my life.”

And his response to me was, “Well, he’s the center of my life too.”

I said, “Well, I’m married.”

And he responds to me, “Well, I’m married as well.”

So in the process of time, we became friends. We became good friends. We became very good friends. We began to build a relationship. And the relationship between me and my wife became… not estranged, but was challenging because I’m now falling in love with a man I’m now married to a woman.

So in June 13th, I think 13th, of 2020… 2010, I preached my last sermon with U-haul packed with all of our stuff, ready to leave her and to move to Texas.

But I began to look into scripture and the two references in Numbers and then the reference to Sodom and Gomorrah in the old Testament, I was like, “Oh my God, this is not talking about me.”

I go to the… now to the New Testament. And of course, if you are a Christian, one of the main scriptures that are used against you in the New Testament is Romans. But as I began to really look into that scripture, I began to see that this is not talking about me. I’m gay because this was… this became part of the plan of the creation of man. Basically, I had gotten confirmation that you’re doing okay. Your life, your pursuit, your being who you are is okay.

But I am still mentally tormented and I’m still trying to figure out why do I have this guilt? Why do I have the shame about being gay?

About four months ago, I was with my… my therapist. We’re talking and… something about, if you could change being gay to being straight, would you? And again, that was my go-to answer, which was. “Of course, yes. I would change it in a heartbeat.”

Then after I said that, I’m like, “Wait a minute. Wait. Wait, I don’t… I don’t think I would. I don’t think I would change who I am.” And I said, “Not only do I not think I would change who I am, I think I’m very thankful.” I would not trade the journey that I have taken and who I am for anything in the world. It has been for me, being gay has been an absolute blessing to my life.

If you do the work and you find acceptance to yourself, whatever, whatever that means, know number one, that God loves you. He’s not rejecting you. Number two, that you’re not broken. You’re a whole person. And number three, that you are who you’re supposed to be. And you need to accept that because that’s who you are.

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