Hi. My name’s Chris Tanner and I’m from Duarte, California.
When I was 15, me and my friend David, we used to hang out in front of the high school, in front of Duarte High, and we’d sit on a wall there and smoke joints. And at night, we would hang out in his trailer that was parked in the driveway in front of his mom’s garage. And we’d just sit around and smoke a bunch of weed and drink Colt 45 and look at Playboys and tell each other our dreams.
So we had to get somebody to buy our beer for us, so we would go to the 7-Eleven. And one evening, while I was standing waiting for somebody to come by to ask if they could buy me Colt 45, I’m just standing there by the phone booth and this guy comes up and I go to turn to him and I say, “Could you buy us some Colt 45?” He turned around and he looked into my eyes and he these big, beautiful, sparkly eyes. And he looked exactly like Robert Redford with the hair coming down.
And he said, “Yeah. Yeah, I’ll get you the Colt 45. You just meet me back by the dumpster behind the 7-Eleven. I’ll be in a light blue VW bug.”
So my mind started to explode and I said to David, “David, why don’t you just take the Colt 45 back to the trailer? I’m gonna call mom from the phone booth and tell her that we’re gonna study extra late.”
He said, “Okay.” But I could see there was – he kinda looked at me weird but he went off. And then I’ve made by way around the 7-Eleven and into the back. And the guy opens the door – Robert Redford opens a door, you know, with his hand like that, and kind of grabs me and takes me into his car. And then he takes me into his arms and then we start movie star kissing, like just all the way. And I’ve never done that, never movie star kissed with a man. And we’re making out heavy and then he starts to take my clothes off and so I let him. And so he starts – I start to take his clothes. And so he starts to suck my dick and then I start to suck his dick. So he starts to, you know, have oral sex with me in the behind, so I do the same thing with him. And then, he – so he fucks me and so then I fuck him! And he’s a complete gentleman and we have a beautiful, rocking time with that, you know, little bug jumping up and down by the trash cans and behind the 7-Eleven.
And so then about six months later, I’m sitting on the toilet and I get this pain in my ass and I go, “Hey mom, can you come here?”
And so Mom comes in and she takes a look at my asshole and she says, “Oh, honey, you’ve got hemorrhoids.” She goes, “You gotta go to Doctor Kennedy in Pasadena.” So I go to Doctor Kennedy in Pasadena.
He says, “Okay, boy, take your pants off and put your feet in the stirrups.” And so I do and he goes down. And he looks around and then he comes back up. He stands up and he says, “I should call the police right now to have you arrested because you are a criminal because you had a penis in your rectum and now you have anal warts! I should call the police right now and have you arrested and then I should call your parents in here and tell the whole story and you better get down on your knees and pray to Jesus in Heaven above that he doesn’t make you burn forever in Hell’s fires for being such a horrible person that you are!”
And I said, “Oh, please, please, Doctor Kennedy, don’t tell my parents. Please don’t call the police. Please don’t have me arrested. Please. Please. I’ll pray to Jesus.”
And then, I had the operation. Everybody talked over and over about the hemorrhoidectomy this and hemorrhoidectomy that, but there was no hemorrhoidectomy. It was warts. It was anal warts! This whole sort of shame and denial on what my actual operation was created, you know, sort of shame – a body shame.
All the shame around that and the denial about that cause me lots of pain and there were layers of psychological up horror and abuse that stayed with me and made me sort of forced to become a top, which I’m very happy to be. But it was forced on me because I was filled with shame and guilt.
This doctor really, really messed me up so I went to my high school counselor. He was really handsome and I felt really comfortable with him.
And I said, “Seth, I wanna be a good homosexual. And I really – you know, I want to be the best homosexual I can be and I feel like I can’t be because I really – I don’t wanna get fucked.”
And he said, “Chris, you are a good homosexual. And you should always remember that there are many people in this world who just wanna get fucked.” Him just saying that to me relaxed me in such a way. It gave me ease, hope and I don’t know, something about him really saved me. And I felt like a good homosexual.
Now, you know, I totally feel comfortable. I feel I don’t feel like, you know, I still have shame. I feel pretty comfortable in my own body now. So I mean – but it’s a constant, it’s a constant challenge to try to win over shame and guilt.
It’s very important at an important doctor’s appointment to advocate. So always – I guess after that, I’ve always, you know, gone with a person that’s somebody close, or I’ve always had somebody come with me. Because I don’t want to – you know, I would never want that to happen to anybody.