I am an 18-year-old gay teenager. Combine that with the fact that I have severe ADD and acne, and am a uncoordinated nerd, and you have a typical high school outcast. The funny thing, though, is that I’ve only accepted that I am gay for a year. It should have been obvious; for example, the first dream I remember having is about a magical pair of shoes that I could put on and turn into a girl and then go kiss other boys. But all through my life, I’ve come up with excuses for myself. When I was little, I told myself that I wasn’t interested in violent sports or in taunting the girls because I was sweet and gentle. In middle school, when I started developing a semi-loving relationship with another outcast boy, I immediately ditched him and worked hard to interest myself in masculine things, like sports and the Simpsons, which didn’t last very long. When I thought about sex and always focused on the men, I thought I was just imagining myself doing it. Even two years ago I had a “girlfriend” (read: fag hag) who I thought was revolting but still took to the big dance to help keep up my own illusions. I guess I was in self-denial because all my family members are religious conservative Republicans and all my life I listened to them make nasty comments about our gay neighbors, my gay teachers, etc.
All until my school had a big “diversity assembly.” Yeah, I know, it sounds corny, but when one of my schoolmates stood up and came out in front of the whole school, I had a huge epiphany. Suddenly I was gay. It sounds really strange, but from that moment on, I was completely obsessed. I read every single book with a gay person I could find (in the library, because I was too afraid to check them out). I watched hours and hours of gay movies and TV shows on YouTube wearing headphones. I even forced myself to listen to Madonna, even though I hated it. When I came out to my sister this winter, she thought I was insane because I was so obsessed. I was making up for all those years in denial.
I am moving to college in four days and am desperately hoping to find someone to love me. But I have never even had real friends. I don’t know if I can stand this intense longing any more.
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