I had this friend, I called him ZK, and we had been friends since he was in 6th grade, I was in 7th. We were on the volleyball team together for 2 years, he quit in his 8th grade year because all the good players went to high school, including me. I didn’t meet up with him again until my sophomore year, his freshmen, and at that point, I knew I was gay. ZK had Ceramics with one of my best friends, so she got me the hook up. I was so nervous to even talk to him for the 1st semester! But I had Health with him the 2nd semester and I sat right behind him after he invited me over to join him and his friends. He was so fine! Okay, so maybe he was a year younger than me, maybe he was shorter than me, but damn he was built. Every day, I would stare at his back and just imagine rubbing it for him. He had short blond hair, decent muscles and we were becoming friends. Of course all my friends knew what I would do to him if I ever had the chance, but the chance never came.

I got this notebook and started to write in it. It had my feelings, and mostly it had my poetry in it. Everyday, I would let ZK read what I wrote the previous day. Sometimes he would write back. And when he did that, I thought he was writing to me! But I found out that what he usually wrote was just song lyrics…and not intended for me. Oh, and he told me and my two lesbian friends that he was bi. According to him he was bi because he found Channing Tatum to be attractive. But who doesn’t? Even straight guys and lesbians know that Channing Tatum is one of the hottest actors out there…sorry, off-topic. Anyway, yeah, he was “bi.” I constantly tried my best to hang with him. But he would always have an excuse. The one he used the most was that we lived in 2 different communities and it was difficult. Then I found out that he would hang with friends in 2 neighborhoods within walking distance of my house. And I always reminded him that my parents would drive me anywhere.

Then, finally, the day came when I went to his house. You are probably thinking we got our freaks on, but I controlled myself. I went to his house and pretended to be really into the stuff he liked. And some of it I really was. Like motor cross, and his clothes. We just talked for almost 2 hours. But that was the only time outside of school I ever spent with him.

I invited him over to get drunk for St. Patty’s Day, but he backed out and didn’t tell me. There are times when I think it was all in my head, that he was a great guy, but he really wasn’t. But now I can never get him off my mind.

I ended my friendship with him. I had to. He has going farther downhill, and I couldn’t afford that.

After a few months, I still remembered his number, no matter how many times I deleted it, and I called him. We became friends on MySpace again, and I tried to make it up to him, but the damage was done, but I was able to have him forgive me.

I really needed him to forgive me. When I ended our friendship, he threatened to kill me if he ever saw me. He said that he was in the UFC (underground fight club) and he could whoop my ass. Well, that got me scared because I didn’t know how to defend myself. For about 6 months I never went to the neighborhood he lived in.

But I called him and asked to talk about it. He said he would never have done such a thing. And that he put his straight reputation on the line. And that he almost had to fight a couple of his “friends” for calling him and me gay. I told him how I never meant for any of that to happen.

But that got me thinking, was he ever bi? I asked him. All he said was that he pleaded the 5th. Well, I had his forgiveness, I guess that’s all I needed.

I haven’t talked to him since about February of 2009, and this is August ‘09. But he is constantly brought up in conversations with friends. I can never forget this handsome, beautiful jerk. And a lot of my friends are really annoyed by ZK, or at least just me talking about him.

But now I am trying to patiently wait for a boyfriend to come along my way…But it is so damn hard. I am a romantic type and need to share my romance with someone!