After Literally Running Away From His Problems, Cameron Decides To Live His Truth.

by cameron kinslow

My name is Cameron Kinslow and I’m from Pomona, California. When I was really little I used to play with my sister’s toys and we’d have the best time together. And it was just this innocent thing where there were Barbie dolls and dollhouses and I think the first time I realized that that wasn’t okay for me was when my mom was like, “Make sure you put the toys away before your dad comes home.” And that was when I felt like I was getting attention for negative reasons for the things I was doing, for who I was. And I soon learned soon after that I was getting attention sometimes when I was playing basketball and that was where people were very excited for me. And that was the type of attention where I was like, “Oh this feels positive, this feels great.” That’s when I became more interested in girls, and that’s when I became like, “Oh, I need to get a girlfriend to complete this picture.” And I was going to college and this relationship went on for four years and I think that was the part of my life where I felt like I was doing a disservice to myself because I wasn’t living my true self which is someone who is queer who enjoyed being with guys and girls. I think that was a piece of my life that was brand new to me, I didn’t have the language to talk about it, I didn’t know where I’d get support from for that. I remember I was at a party on New Year’s Eve and I was hanging out with friends and I just felt this odd sense of not feeling comfortable and not feeling supported by them even though they knew nothing about this part of my life. And I really wanted to go home. So my friends decided to drive me home, I got home and once I got home I realized I also didn’t want to be there because I also didn’t feel supported and I didn’t share this piece of my life with my family either. I think at that moment I looked up the street and I decided to take a run for it, and I ran up the street as fast as I could and I saw this on ramp to the freeway and I just took it. I probably made it a half mile running full speed and then I heard sirens go by and I saw flashing lights and I think that’s what just shook me. And as it happened they went by me and they didn’t stop and then another car pulls up alongside me and the door opens and I just hop in. I remember not knowing who the person was who was driving the car when I first got in and then looking over to the side and then realizing it was one of my friends from since forever who’s always been the happiest person to see me, the person who’s always like, “Cameron, you’re here!” That type of person was exactly the type of person I needed to help me calm down and just be focused and feel like I wasn’t alone. After that I realized that that situation I was in I didn’t want to be in ever again. And it was just a scary, uncomfortable place to be and I pushed myself to think about, well, how do I do that? And I think it just came to me that I had to live my full truth and be honest with myself and that was the moment when I felt like I needed to explore this part of my life more. The week after I remember calling up a friend and we went to go hang out and afterwards I was like, “I want to do something, I want to go on a date. With a guy. And I want you to, will you drive me to the movies to go meet with this guy?” And she’s like, “Of course I’ll go with you.” And I think when we got to the movie theater I felt more comfortable and like I could do this on my own and I felt like it was going to be the start of something of me living my entire truth and I felt prepared for that. And I think that type of thing only happens when you put yourself out there and there’s that scary moment when you’re like, “Is this person going to accept what I’m going to do or not?” And I think that’s the piece that’s scary but the overall goal and the thing that you win is you have this entire life that feels complete and full and I think that’s something that’s well worth that moment of anxiety.

Cameron-Kinslow

2 Comments:

  1. Pingback: I Had to Run Away From My Problems Before I Could Face Them -

  2. I always knew I was gay and never felt the need to confront it until recently – Obviously, some people knew because I had some intimate friendships. But I don’t need to hide it now. I know who I am and I like myself – it would be nice if everyone else knew as well, instead of making assumptions!

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