“You’re Really Sweet, I’m Just Not Into Black Guys.” Experiencing Racism Within The LGBTQ Community.

by nelson moses lassiter

I’m Nelson Moses Lassiter, I’m from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

When I came to terms with my sexuality, it took a very long time. I used to just debate with myself back and forth and I used to, I was actually angry that I was gay and I was angry at God for making me gay, there were just so many things that were going through my mind. So when I came to terms with everything, I wanted to go out and just meet guys and make friends and kind of find my place in the world, knowing that the world that I came from just wasn’t the one for me, it wasn’t accepting. Eventually I started meeting people and making friends and there was this one time I was actually just chatting with this one guy and the conversation was going great and there was definitely a really cool connection there, there were a lot of similarities and I said, “Oh, do you want to grab a drink some time?”

And he goes, “You’re really sweet, you’re really nice, but I don’t date black guys.”

He was just like, “Well, they’re just not my type.”

I was like, “Well what does that mean, you don’t like me because I’m black? That’s weird.”

And he was like, “It’s okay, though, I have a friend who’s into black guys.”

And I was like, “What does that mean? What does it mean to be ‘into’ black guys?”

I met this guy and, his friend, and I was like, “So what is it about black guys that you like?”

He said, “I like the way that they look and they way they talk, the way they walk, the way they wear their pants down low.”

And I was like, none of this has anything to do with an actual black person, this is, these are stereotypes and these are just preconceived notions and things that you hear. It wasn’t that he liked black guys, he was into the idea or into, it was more like an object of affection or a fetish more than actually liking the person. It was at that moment when I realized, “Wow, this is another thing.” So what is this world that I’m slowly becoming a part of because it was the complete opposite of everything I was expecting.

On the flip side, what made things even crazier was that my black friends were upset with me because I was dating someone that wasn’t black. I had this one black friend who was still in the closet, he was actually rather upset at the fact that I was dating a white guy. We were hanging out and I was telling him about this guy and he was like, “Why are you dating white people? You know that they don’t like us.”

I was like, “What do you mean they don’t like us? Because I’m dating someone who likes me a lot, so what are you getting at?”

And he goes, “What, do you think you’re too good for your own race?”

He basically said that I was a self-hater and I didn’t like black people or I didn’t like who I was and I wanted to be someone else because of the fact that I wasn’t dating my own race.

These experiences happened less within like half a year. It was like all these new things that were coming into sight at such a fast pace in such a short time, I was just like, “We need a lot of work.” We can’t be seen as a group of people that want to have a unified message of equality and no discrimination if we ourselves are dividing ourselves through whatever methods, whether someone is feminine or someone is masculine or someone is black or someone is white. If we continue to create these own divisions within our own community, we are no better than the ones discriminating against us. And it’s extremely important because we have to change the way that we think. We have to change our own minds within our own community, open our own minds before we can expect other people to open their minds to us.



  1. Reminds me of the gaybros

    • God, here we go again.

      Here is the problem for those people commenting on this and clearly missing the point of this article and conversation. Preference does not supersede in any way shape or form, you being a racist, I will say that again “PREFERENCE DOES NOT SUPERSEDE IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM, YOU BEING A RACIST.” Now what does that mean? Someone kindly pointed out the definition of Preference earlier. It’s having an affinity or greater liking for something over something else, an example. I like butter pecan ice cream over strawberry ice cream. (this is a preference) Preference does not exclude, only shows a greater liking of something in comparison with something else. This does not mean I hate strawberry ice cream, or will not eat it, simply means if i have to chose between the two I would choose butter pecan. I still like ice cream.

      Now when someone says “I don’t date someone for the color of their skin, or there are certain qualities of a person I find/don’t find attractive and list color as the example.” As much as you would like to sugarcoat this, or backtrack or explain about some personal experience, you are a racist. Now any intelligent person would know that race doesn’t really exist among human beings, but for the sake of this conversation we will go with that.

      When people are confronted with this, as was an example in the article, the White guy didn’t state it was something about his personality, or his actual looks that was the issue, but his skin color. He could not really explain why, because to do so he would have to actually admit that he was a racist. Instead he deflects to his friend who fetishisizes blackness as being some sort of stereotype, which is also racist. The real issue here is white privilege, the idea that some how just being black makes a person less than. I have met many a gay men, who would quickly sleep with a black man but wouldn’t date him or even consider bringing him home, no matter the station they had in life they were simply objects or not good enough. These people like to think of themselves as literal minded and open when really they are far worst than the two people given as an example in the article. This is really no different than in the times of slavery and a lot of people would like to think that just because they aren’t openly calling people the n,c,s,r word, that simply allowing them to share the same spaces means they are treated as equals. Equality is truly lost on these people, and this is why equal rights for gays is a joke, especially with the backdrop of the civil rights movement being thrown in many a comparison to the struggles that people of color had to endure just to be considered a whole person or have the right to vote.

      No Fems, no fats, No Asians, No blacks. Inclusion in the gay community is a joke, if you aren’t a cis,gay white male. You don’t really have a place at the table, more like a plate left on the floor for scraps. You will see in many a interview people are told that they need to wait their turn in the great struggle for gay community rights, and the the gay white agenda needs to be pushed for mainstream acceptance. The same argument is made for gay porn as well, the fashion industry, Hollywoods, etc. Pick a medium, and notice the same racist themes. As someone said earlier Gay white men aren’t the exception to white privileged, in fact they use it more blatantly and are less apologetic about it.

      • Of the whole human genome, only 2% causes the differences between all people/races. However if you know anything about genetics, you know that even one different allele (not just a codon!), can be the beginning of a genetic mutation or different gene.

        So if two people are different ethnically, then they will also be very different genetically.

        When a person “doesn’t like black guys” they really are referencing everything about them. To give you an idea, they are talking about; their skin color, skin texture, hair color, curliness, nose and skull shape, height, musculature attributes, height, cognitive faculties such as intelligence and creativity, smell and pheromone attributes, endowment of the penis (a favorite of the gay community), butt shape etc.

        So basically, it’s BOTH a matter of people being racist, and having preferences. But that’s OKAY because races exist, and its natural to be more inclined to date people who are similar to you.

        That’s all I have to say about the biology. You also mentioned slavery, and I would encourage you to read more into the history of slavery, as its less of a biological issue and more of a human rights one. All ethnic sectors of the human race were subject to slavery for periods of time lasting no less than 200 years. I think one of the worst was the Indian-African slave trade in which east Africans were taken to India for a period of around 700 years. But I digress, there are examples of slavery for any given ethnicity, like the Barbary slave trade which took peoples from Europe for centuries. Its more of a human rights issues that arises out of poverty. I’m definitely for an equal distribution of wealth across the country.

        • sorry to say buddy your are wrong on a lot of fronts. Modern man shares a common ancestor, we are all one race. Guy, try as you might or would wish to dispute that and you can try with as much nonsense as you would like to add to any comment following this. It’s still true.

          As far as not liking what makes up blackness, you you’re wrong on that too, Black can comes in all shapes, sizes, and yes even colors, to as light as white or as dark ans shade. And that goes for hair, skin texture, eye color etc. You just really sound very ignorant as to what it is you are really talking about. There are tons of black people who get mistaken for white all the time.

          And it’s clear you missed the mark on why I mentioned slavery, that’s three strike, Clearly you’re the one who need to do more research on this topic, because it’s very clear you don’t know what it is your are talking about.

          • We are all one species, not one race. Race is a superficial distinction used to to distinguish us, mostly for racist purposes, but it is still a real distinction. That said, what the author experienced was racism.

      • Using your line of reasoning, as a male, would you consider me to be sexist because I’m not sexually attracted to people with vaginas? Without even meeting them, I’m certain that I am not sexually attracted to women. If I’m somehow *not* sexist using your criteria, then what’s the difference between me saying I’m not sexually attracted to women and me saying I’m not sexually attracted to people with black skin? Please be consistent.

        • A.J, i thought I explained this very well clearly it’s gone over your head. Sexual orientation as homosexual because of your preference to not be with women with vaginas. I would call you a sexist due to your limited scope in what you think makes a women. There are women who do not have a vagina and in fact have penises, or don’t have a functional vaginas, women who can’t reproduce but physically look traditionally female. What defines a woman are cultural and society standard that defines one’s gender. The fact, you aren’t very educated in the biology of psychological aspect of what makes a woman and solely focused on the genital of what makes a woman makes you sexist.

          And the Black skin thing simply still makes you a racist. So yes I would say that you are consistent in your ignorance.

        • Sexual orientation is a different concept from sexual racism. When you make a statement like, “just because I’m not into vaginas, does that make me a sexist” You are speaking utter nonsense. Going by your logic all gay men who don’t like vagina, and all lesbians who don’t like penis are innately sexist. As feminist I am appalled that you would make such an analogy as sexism is something that many people are victims of, and falsely claiming sexism is destructive to gender equality. But since you don’t seem to know what the difference is allow me to enlighten you; sexual racism is the idea that those of other ethnic groups are racially inferior to you, and therefore unworthy of dating; sexism is discrimination based on the hatred of someone because of their gender.

      • I couldn’t agree more; there is in fact racism in the gay community and from what I’ve read/experienced this racism that runs rampant in the gay community is, as you said, not as apologetic as its straight counterparts. I believe this is one of the things that is setting back the gay rights movement, and one of the reasons that communities of color are not as receptive to the struggles of LGBT people. Because regardless of what LGBT people might think the straight community is watching them, and the same goes for communities of color.

        • I was disturbed when I read something very recently from a prominent gay writer (Leo Bersani?) to the effect that gay men will just have to get over being rejected due to “race” or ethnicity, that gay men have their sexual preferences within their sexual orientation, and that’s that. He says sexuality was not, is not, and never will be about equality.

          It suddenly struck me that, if we accept this assessment, then at least the gay male community, whose commonality is its minority sexual orientation and usually a bold expression of it, will NEVER achieve an equality even outside the bedroom. After all, the gay sections of any city spring up precisely to provide safe spaces for gay sexual exploration and gender non-conformity, with all their sexual pursuit and public displays of affection, hypersexual display, nudity, pornography, anonymous hookups, etc. So how can men of color develop the kinds of connections that lead to success within any gay male community when many white men generally don’t seem to want to connect with them either sexually or romantically? Maybe white men don’t even want to be seen with men of color (particularly black men) for fear they will be seen as belonging to the “wrong” kind of sexual preference within the community.

          If, then, the gay male “community” cannot achieve equality and decent relationships among all within its community, then it is doomed to failure as a revolutionary force that can and will always fight for liberation and equal rights. It will be impossible for the gay male “community” to effect lasting change and alliances with many other social justice movements and groups that typically experience discrimination. And, since gay men have by far the greatest economic and political resources of the queer “community,” it will be extremely difficult for it even to form continuing alliances with all other queers and join in fighting the hard fights for them, certainly in a way that will allow leadership and resources to develop evenly among other parts of the queer “community.”

          In any case, it is an overwhelming fact that there are far fewer fish in the sea in the gay male and queer communities than there are in the vast oceans of the majority sexual and gender-conforming communities. Of those in the American gay male sea, the majority are of course white. So when white men dismiss you out of hand for being a man of color or fetishize you without seeing your individuality, your options become even more limited. It would be such a boon for the whole gay male “community” to realize that it is missing out if its members always and only confine themselves to dating within their groups, however defined (“race,” class, educational level, age, etc.). Generally class bias and ageism, not necessarily in the bedroom, are probably the next-worst problems the gay male community has a long way to go in addressing, although ageism seems to be improving.

          I also remember a San Francisco gay man in the documentary SEX IS… say that, before HIV, everyone he knew was obsessed with finding the perfect penis. They wanted a particular venation, length, thickness, curvature, etc. Talk about a limiting and limited view of men!

          … Good luck to us all. Let’s put our queer shoulders to the wheel and work to make the gay male community better to itself, through and through.

    • I don’t understand why anyone who is black would waste their time being offended because some random white person doesn’t find them attractive because that white person isn’t attracted to blacks. Why give them the ability to validate you?
      Don’t forget to chastise your fellow blacks that make similar comments about whites if you feel that strongly.
      Personally, who cares, keep it moving, strive to be emotionally healthy and be truly comfortable in your skin. You can’t be secure about your blackness if you are fragile about it and see racist at every turn. That is nerve wracking.

    • I’m going to be honest and admit I used to think I wasn’t into ‘black guys’ or ‘Asians’ and I defended that as just a preference.

      I am not from the US and grew up on an island where there was minimal ethnic diversity, basically everyone is white and English. It wasn’t until I went traveling by myself and started meeting people of all different races and cultures. When I was forced to interact with people of a different racial background on an individual level I ceased to see that person as ‘black’ or ‘Asian’ but as a person with all the intricacies (physical or personality) that make them attractive like any ‘white’ person. Since then I’ve ceased having such a racial preference.

      I think you’re right, the reason we close ourselves off to someone from another race is because we see a “category” and associate it with stereotypes and pre-conceived ideas. It’s not a preference, it’s at worst racism, at best closed-mindedness. Probably the same type of closed mindedness that causes the average straight person to conjure up an image of gay men dancing in topless with glitter and infected with HIV.
      People see a person as ‘black’ rather than someone who so happens to have a darker hue of skin.

      The only way to break down this attitude, is to breakdown the prejudices which underline it.

      (I’m sorry this post got out of hand)

  2. So not being into women must mean I’m sexist. I don’t speak for everyone, but my not being into Black guys isn’t a choice: it’s just how I am. If that’s racism, then guilty as charged – but I won’t lose sleep over it. Further, I would argue that this (non)issue is less about race and more about hurt feelings for which race is used as a stand-in.

    • So, what exactly is it about black guys that you aren’t attracted to? Is it their skin color? Because black people come in all shades. Is it the hair? Because black people have hair of all textures and colors (yes, there are natural redhead and blonde black people who aren’t albino). Is it the eyes? Because black people have eyes of all colors. Shape of the nose? Black people vary there as well.

      And what about mixed-race blacks? What if you dated a guy who you THOUGHT was white (or whatever non-black ethnicity you are attracted to) only to find out he was partially black? Would you suddenly no longer be attracted to him?

      • I think a person absolutely has a right to find whatever it is they like attractive, those who like within their race, I don’t call them racist, that is what they find pleasant to look at; that which is familiar. Their is science behind this. Those of you who are familiar with college or have gone to university are familiar with peer reviewed articles…do your research.
        Some of the statements expressed here, from my perspective, intimate some serious irrationality, deep seeded anger, and profound denial. With that being said, I don’t know the goal of the person who started this whole thing…

        • I know, that is so true. I met an older, attractive White guy who seemed ‘unhappy’ so I decided to just casually approach him as I was having a good time with the club music.

          Skipping a LOT of details, he was in a ‘relationship’ for a little over 2 years with a Black guy. He was not happy with his arrangement. And when I asked “Why?” He replied “Because I’m not attracted to him… I’m not really into Black guys.”

          I was shocked. “Duuude, dude, wait, you’re dating a Black guy and you’re not into Black guys? WHY!?”

          He replied “He called me racist…” I was like, “Do you eat dog doo doo too?”

          And he looked at me confused and I replied “You’re not racist, it is your preference. And you look very stressed.”

          I gave him some aggressive suggestions to change his life to be at least happy, if not satisfied.

          The lights in his eyes changed almost instantly, like opening a door to a caged bird. I mean, this guy was in his late 30’s early 40’s and spent two years in torment.

          I’m Black, grew up watching PBS (Sesame Street, 3-2-1 Contact, Electric Company, Mister Rogers and BBC Shows)… It got me responses like “You talk White.”, even from my family at times when I’d talk proper. It’s not that I was trying to be anything. Sitting alone watching quality TV and growing up Magnum P.I., Fantasy Island, Perry Mason, Sanford and Son, Diff’rent Strokes, The Jeffersons, Benny Hill, Gimme a Break, etc, I can go on and on…

          Just adjusting my ‘exposure to different things’ as a child to teen, pleased my curiosities. I loved (got excited) when my father’s non-Black friends would rub my crown when I was small enough for it. ‘Strong, big hands’. There was nothing sexual about it, I was a kid, but it felt like Christmas. Again, queer, right?

          Adults would pick at me “He has sugar in his blood.” to my face and I’d smile like an naive idiot as I did not know that meant I was queer.

          I was attracted to men, so when I heard “Gay is when two boys like each other like boyfriends.”, I assumed I was not gay as I was attracted to men in their late 30’s and mid 40’s.

          Remember I’m queer. It was not until I turned 17 and saw a student that I had never seen before who ‘excited’ me. Again, not sexual. But he made me feel like I was floating on cloud 9 with unlimited power. Eventually, our best friend outed me “Charles likes Jason, not like a friend, but a boyfriend.” I was embarrassed and braced myself waiting for him to punch me. He just giggled. And of course, that was a positive thing to made me happier than most anything. We became a thing, he was not gay as far as I knew or am aware (yes, we still talk – he’s grown up more than I expected), and I became his sugar daddy past my graduation and his for about four years. Looking back, I regret nothing. He made me joyous just by just being, though I did pray “Please do not let him ask for an eye.” as I loved him so, I’d pull it out on the spot and hand it to him. Sick right, but truth. I laugh and he joked later “If I knew I would have asked you.”

          Skipping to being an adult… My preference are, big hands, hairy chested men, usually White who work with their hands. Who are laidback and easy to talk to who are not overly political and do not worship the ground (Black people) I walk on. Yes, I’ve run into those types. Thanks, but no thanks.

          I’ve had the Whiteman’s “I can have sex with Blacks, but can’t date you.” Very confusing. I want a relationship, so don’t lead me on. And so many married men with kids men on gay dating sites. Some well-off. Expose them or leave it alone? Leave it alone and ban him. I’m a no argument type and the one Black guy who I found attractive did just that. Started off nice, but when he asked me what type of guys I generally dated, I replied “Hairy, White men.”, his face and attitude changed. But I still went to Steak and Shake and had dinner. But then he started asking odd personal questions, after eating two more fries I asked him to stop.

          I truly thought “Wow, I am dating a Black guy.” something my lil sis griped about “If you’re not going to date women, can’t you at least find a Black guy.” [eye roll] And when he said I was ‘reverse racist’, you know I had to reply “You like men, why?” He looked puzzled. I continued, “I am attracted to White men for they seem to be more diverse in the things I like and like to do such as biking, canoing, taking walked in recreational parks. Stuff anyone can do and you’ve already labeled me. Not all White men do these activities, and the few Blacks I know who do, are happily married. That is why I don’t date Black men, I’m not a stand offish person. I was not raised in a ghetto. I’ve worked hard for where I am and yes, I struggle, but I have good, honorable friends at my side, White, Black, Spanish and Asian.

          The Gay Community is truly vile, racist, ageist, shaming and the young get old (26 now I think) and disappear. There are nice people out there. Don’t be coy, let a person know you think they are attractive. Be kind. If a person is attracted to you and you’re not interested be kind “Thanks, but no interest on my end.” That should be enough. But in reality, it is not. Mention some hobbies you REALLY like no one else joins you in, you don’t have to date, but you might find an activity mate. But most likely not. It’s not rude and doesn’t hurt anyone’s feelings.

          My rule is, we hang out for THREE MONTHS. This where we just go do things, we are not exclusive, so if the other party wants to date and such, I can make a decision. If we make it past three months, now we are dating and should be exclusive. I’m not aggressively looking (10 year celibacy over in 2019), so if we can not be friends, how can we be lovers? I want 10+ years of love and if a person can’t wait 3 months, then they are not worthy of me. No hate. I’m not looking for quickie sex and go. I’m not a flower.

          I’m a huge cuddler and I prefer my partner to be that and at least 155lbs (a cuddler – not roll over and just go to sleep – I can do that by myself and be happy), anyone smaller, the fear of waking up to a crushed mate is always present. Serious. Sounds shallow. Not funny.

          FastForwarding to 2011, I’ve realized, I do not like being called gay, I rather Homo. Why? Like straight men and their whore-hopping, gay men have this thing called cruising. No offense to those who do it, but it grosses me out, just as much as straights. I am sentimental and loyal, yes, I’m rare and sad. But when I’m happy I’m brighter than the sun. Whatever that is, I am it. No drugs, no alcohol or smoking, 100%.

          I’ll end with this… If you are 32 – 55, at least 155lbs, drug free, love (not like), love the outdoors, like to spend time at home, diverse in music from the 1960s to 2003, knows how to make warm cocoa and how to dice onions, julienne carrots and steam broccoli who rather eat home 98% of the time, reply to this. ‘Be fit’ is not something I understood, but be confident and healthy in your own skin. Oh, be somewhat, such as showered, clean, decent haircut.. Sounds weird saying that, but some of you Internet people… Take a bath, brush your teeth… Yes, that make a difference. Sad I have to say that.

          Good luck to everyone reading this and I hope we all could be friends and talk about happier things.

    • Wow! I couldn’t have said it better.

    • Yep. You’re racist.

    • Well said Andrew

      And isn’t it only racism if theres discrimination or treating one as inferior?

      I hardly see being denied a date or sex based on ones personal sexual preferences (which btw includes so many factors that only we as an individual are aware of) as an atrocity.

      Nevertheless, that ‘black’ guy is hot, he should stop complaining and look at the line up and say ‘next!’

    • @Andrew
      Hurt feelings? Honestly?! This is one of the many problems facing the gay community right now. It seems like no matter how much proof one is given we still can’t acknowledge the truth. So ok, You don’t want to change preference for white guys; that’s fine. This article is not about what your racial preference is, it’s about the racial issues we have in our community. In case you haven’t read the article, the last thing discussed is racial preference. This article talks about the racial stereotyping in the dating scene, and the way this has negativing impacted us as a community; or maybe you didn’t read the comment where he said his friend viewed white gay men as evil.

      • That devil thing is extreme, and that friend sounds like he needs therapy and or antipsychotics. That is not a healthy expression or intensity of feeling toward a group of people…Really!!! “White gay man is the devil” That’s disturbing in any setting, mainstream or gay!

  3. Racist. To discriminate based on race is racist. You are automatically disregarding a potential mate simply because they are a certain race. That’s racist as fuck. How do you know you won’t connect with someone who is black and even be attracted to them? Racist. To discriminate based on race is racist. You are automatically disregarding a potential mate simply because they are a certain race. That’s racist as fuck. How do you know you won’t connect with someone who is black and even be attracted to them? You won’t know because you will automatically exclude. It is one thing to have preferences and it’s another thing to disregard automatically based on race. oYou won’t know because you will automatically exclude. It is one thing to have preferences and it’s another thing to disregard automatically based on race.

    • How is this racist. I am not sexually attracted to white women as a whole. This does not make me racist. I see many that I may find attractive at first but once you take the makeup off I’m like uh no. And forget blonde hair. I dont like it. I prefer the the black/brown women. Out of the hundreds of white women I see on a daily basis and dozens I know there has only been one that I considered dating. That was only because we knew each other for yrs first. I’m not saying white women are inferior, I’m saying they dont have what it takes to make/keep me sexually aroused. Sure if I’m not looking for a one night stand then a white woman will do. But for a long term relationship I need a woman that will keep me sexually attracted

      • @Jason Motley
        Just because you haven’t met one that you could see yourself being drawn to in the long run, doesn’t mean that there isn’t one out there. But judging how you’ve already decided to primarily date black/brown women I doubt you will look for white women as potential partners. My reply to your response; is it racist to date only a certain ethnicity of person for no other reason then the color of their skin, yes. The term for such an ideology is called sexual racism; and it’s common enough that people don’t talk about it because, everyone does it. Depending on the situation this can be harmless or harmful. In your case it’s harmless because no one was hurt in the process of stating your preference, but in certain instances such as often the case in the gay community it can be destructive.

  4. i lived in San Francisco for a while and met a lot of white guys and I have to say it was a very disturbing time because in my experience it seemed that the white guys had preconceived ideas of what and how a black guy should be or act. There were many of dates or interactions that ended with your a nice guy but you are not thug or black enough… Or I would get let’s have sex but I would never date you. And then there was also the are you a hung top question… Or meeting the white guy that dated all the black guys in the community… There was definitely a lot of racism and stereotyping which I found to be very hurtful.

  5. I don’t agree. Not being sexually attracted to black guys has nothing to do with being racist. I’m not sexually attracted to young guys, does that make me ageist? I’m not sexually attracted to women, does that make me sexist? I’m not sexually attracted to ring-tailed lemurs, does that make me prejudiced against them?

    • Yes.

    • Actually that does make you an ageist, because you are basing the decision on age. Not being sexually attracted to women makes you gay, because the very definition of sexual orientation is based on whom you “prefer” to have sex with. that would be a sexual fetish, clearly it seems you have no idea it is you are talking about here.

    • Yes, you are the worst kind of racist. Somebody that tries to justify it. Tsk tsk!!

  6. Andrew, you’re conditioned to be racist. There’s nothing biological stopping you from being attracted to any race (unlike your not being attracted to women), it’s all social constructs and stereotypes you likely grew up with and clearly don’t even realize are just wrong. Maybe not your fault, but still a widespread problem.

    • Yes, and with a little reconditioning we can fix you and teach you how wrong you’ve been!

    • As I’ve seen, especially with social media, many people have their own idea of what racism is. By definition the outcome must make one race seem inferior. So to say “I will NEVER date a black person”, ehh yeah could be racist. However, to say “I’m not particularly into black guys.” I truly believe in my heart is not racist. That’s not to say by another’s definition it isn’t. But we have to be careful here. Racism is supposed to be a terrible horrible thing. And it is. So I think it’s imperative that the word isn’t just thrown around.

      Throwing away a resume because a candidate is black, is without argument RACISM. Why? Because it’s simply not logical. There is zero reason a certain race could do a job better than another race. No one is going to argue that. However, if I was on a blind dating show and was given a resume of sex-mates, and given a minute to decide on who I wanted to go on a date with, there are certain races I would throw away immediately; in that pile would also be guys over 6′. Why? I can’t explain it. I don’t think those tossed out races or the guys over six feet are inferior, I just know what makes certain chemicals immediately mix in my brain.

      (p.s. I have been attracted to guys of all races. And dated all races. I’ve also been attracted to guys over 6′ and dated them)

      Our brain is extremely complex. And as of YET we can’t really explain sexual attraction fully. Throw me any study, any research and it stands that we haven’t figured the brain out. There still isn’t full scientific proof of what makes people gay.

      Remember many races, are that way because evolution made them that way. So it’s very possible people could be born with certain attractions to races. There really isn’t an answer.

      So to call that crazy mix of chemical reactions that we get from a certain person on a subway, racist, is a terrible distinction.

      Remember races were once grouped together in different parts of the world. It’s only been in the last hundred years that we’ve integrated as much as we have. Choosing someone as your mate, to be intimate with, is very very personal choice done both consciously and unconsciously.

      • Huh? You do realize that you acknowledge what racism is, and even give example, then you turn around and say someone has the right to be racist, if searching for a potential mate, that is a logical fallacy.

        There is only one human race, so I am not even sure what it is you are trying to say with this really. There is no different chemical makeup, it has to do with social conditioning. To believe that european standard are the best and held at the highest regards. This is why Africans bleach their skin more than anyone in the world and there is an actual surgery to widen Asian’s eyes. There is no study that says you’re chemically, neurologically somehow predisposed to be attracted to someone. There is also no time limit on how long it would take for you to be attracted to someone. I think you are working on the assumption that attraction is somehow an immediate reaction, when it isn’t necessarily, it may not even be a conscious decision. There are some people who have known each other for decades and never realized till later that they were made for each other.

        Also these same people who would choose to not date black or any minority people are the same people who would exclude them from their social circles as well. Because in the gay community your social circle are also most likely people whom you would find sexually attractive, or people who are like yourself. Now tell me if that exclusion due to race isn’t racism. And it’s no different that because racist when choosing a mate.

    • @Jon

  7. This is what a lot of Asian men have to live with – sadly – in their daily life… Just check apps like Grindr… ‘No Asians’… Like, go and wipe that turn off your lips bro.

  8. Yes, all white folks who grow up in a white supremacist society are racist. But there is no such thing as politically correct sex. Everyone’s individual autonomy is sacrosanct especially as pertains to intimacy. The way to end racism amongst gay white men is not to shame them for the way that some play their societal racism out in sexual preference. Anyone who would expect for people to conduct themselves culturally in a certain way based on ethnicity is not worth your time.

    But then again, once when I was at a gay skinhead sex club in London in the 1990s, I asked the guy who ran it what they did when racist nationalist skins showed up. He said that their attitudes were not a problem when their mouths were otherwise occupied. I did get to play with a delicious young black skinhead there.

    Fortunately for me, since I was a young pup, there has been a mutual attraction between many black men and me. To put it bluntly, opposites attract when it comes to smooth toned black men and this hairy toned white man.

    Through this over the decades, I’ve gotten to know more black men than most all white people in my life and that has enriched me above and beyond the sex.

    But then again, the joys of being queer for me are that there is a smorgasbord of men whose characteristics run the full spectrum. Ruling out anyone for a sexual contact based solely on ethnicity only means more hot men for me.

  9. Interesting. I am a mixed guy and I have had quite a few black guys say they are not into me because I am not black enough! I have had other mixed guys not want to sleep with me because I was too pale or not pale enough. It is a little twisted but I have never let it get to me. People have individual tastes and you may think it sounds racist if someone says ‘oh! I’m not into black guys!’ But chances are they just don’t get turned on by black guys, or white guys or mixed guys. It is what turns you on. Don’t get offended or you will end up a basket case. You might find that Asian guys don’t float your boat but then it might be that you haven’t taken the time to chat with one you click with.


  10. “Racism is supposed to be a terrible horrible thing. And it is. So I think it’s imperative that the word isn’t just thrown around.”

    I read Aaron’s post and I just wanted to say that while I understand this sentiment there is something you need to know. It is very easy to call out racism when it looks ugly and evil. A terrible horrible thing. Like the N word. Or lynching. But that thing is, racism in 2015 is so common place and engrained in our society that things that are racist and damaging are left unchecked simply because they don’t seem terrible or horrible at face value. The most popular way that people talk about race today is to talk about whether an individual is A racist or a specific action. I do not know if you are a person of color or not, but as a black person I have noticed that many white people, even those who I have been friends with, have been raised with the mentality that the only racism that exists is obvious racism such as calling someone that N word etc, etc, and that we can all feel better about ourselves because racism is “in the past” and those types of things don’t happen anymore. In 2015, racism wears a mask that says “liberal.” The past is the foundation for everything that we have now, so in that sense, the past still lives in our laws, institutions, and the media. Saying that you are not interested in a particular race would not be a problem IF this country didn’t have the long, deep history of racism and power dynamics based on race. Our standards of beauty in this country (which has also been imposed on the entire world) are based on the way white people look. Prince Charming. Handsome. Masculine. Hot. Dreamy…………………………………………………..(if you read those words and automatically pictured a white guy maybe you’ll understand.) It’s embedded in all of us no matter what race we are. White experiences, white faces, white voices, and white lives are so much more valued and validated in this country as a whole and the gay male community is no different. Look at gay films. Hell, even look at porn. Look at all of the racial politics. Look at who gets to live their life as just a “normal guy.” Who just gets to be a person. When I first came out at 15, I had a lot of issues with internalized racism that intersected with me being gay. If you had asked me at 15 I probably would have said I preferred white men. But then as I got older, I really had to ask myself why. Because in reality, I was attracted to pretty much any hot guy I saw regardless of race, but because of the subtle messages that I had received about racial narratives through tv, movies, advertisements, school, etc, I sub-consciously fantasized about being with white men. I look at the gay male community and wonder if I am even considered to be a part of it, because you could literally say the word Gay and automatically think of young, white, cisgender, able-bodied men. No one may feel different about reading this, but please please please listen to the voices of people of color when they share their experiences and try to tell you what it really is like for them. Listen to them even if they don’t all sound the same. White men: Deciding which experiences and opinions of people of color matter more based on whether they line up with your way of thinking is a product of the power dynamic created by the deeply rooted racism in the world. You saying that you are not interested in a particular race says a whole lot more than you probably realize it does.

    • Adam – Thank you for your comments here – Often, reading comments after a potentially controversial write-up like this one, just brings more escalating opposing challenges (more heat than light, not a lot of listening or taking in). Your remarks helped me in thinking through how I respond to white folks (in this case, white, cisgender gay men) who do not want to consider the value in what Nelson was voicing in the original write-up. Can I repost your comments, (either as a whole, or quoting parts of it) and if so, how should I attribute this – I’ve posted Nelson’s piece on my FB page, and several white FB friends are already responding in not-helpful ways. I neither want to encourage further racist remarks, nor shut down the exchange.

      BTW, I’m a white, 58-year-old, cisgender gay man who works at a public (Primarily White) university, and I’m part of these conversations with students as well as with faculty and staff. Thanks again, Adam!

  11. Pingback: WATCH: “I Don’t Date Black Guys” Racism in the Gay Community | Cypher Avenue – Urban News. Entertainment. Geek Culture. Discussion.

  12. Frankly such indignity is the concern of black people yearning and dreaming for a white ass! As a black man I feel no such desire from within (so lucky me). This is not an issue to cry over or feel sorry for those self-degrading blacks as far as I’am concern.I have good white friends and good relationship with whites but no sexual attraction there. And because I do not look up to them or envies my white acquaintances our relationships are less tense and resentful with much more sense of equality. I don’t to ingratiate myself to get respect. (HERE IS ONE OF THE MOST OVERLOOKED SECRET OF A STABLE WHITE AND BLACK RELATIONSHIP). I have also politely declined some whites and other races proposals in my life time. The disgust of been a sexual fetish happily kept my sexual desire within the boundary of black on black love. looking up to a other group of people with envies will sooner or later breed deep rooted resentment, hatred and disrespect. If I was white I wouldn’t have dated a black wanting to only date whites. Such worship hide envies, resentment and hatred that are bound to explode sooner or later. A black person comfortable with who they are is potentially better friend or lover to his white acquaintances. But the worshipper, watch your back. not a simple issue however deserve no empathy!!

  13. Nelson are you actually going to make this be about race? It’s called preference. Your preference seems to be not to date black guys either.

  14. Welcome to dating life? I don’t know whether its pure racism, because when the rejector started talking about his friend’s likes, he associated the color of one’s skin to certain behaviors. Stereotyping? Yes. Racism? Maybe not. As a straight Indian guy who’s only 5’6″ you can imagine my scene is extremely limited. But I end up not blaming the ones who reject me,but the stereotypical indians (a lot more common than one would hope) who ruin it for me.

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  16. Sorry that Nelson has met the wrong sorts of guys. There are many of us (“white”) who emphatically prefer men of color.

  17. Race is an artificial human construct. There are more genetic differences between men and women than between men and men or women and women from around the world. I’m thankful we don’t all look the same, I’ve never wanted to date myself.

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  19. Pingback: Watch This: ‘You’re Really Sweet, I’m Just Not Into Black Guys.’

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  21. To exclude a person because of their race or color of their skin, is racist. It is a racist preference and those that think otherwise are in deep denial . I find this to be a bigger problem among American gay white males. Interestingly enough European gay males have less of a problem entertaining the thought of going out or befriending someone of a different race. Why? Because they have not been culturally conditioned not to. And the argument of sexual attraction is a moot point. The vast majority of gay attractive American men who state they are “not into” blacks , Asians , or whatever, not only do so as a matter of sexual preference but also as a matter of social preference. The parties they attend, have no minorities. The brunches they go out to , their club buddies, traveling groups and companions , all typically have no minorities. They do not include them in their social circles and are quit to snub or dismiss those in public that they deem they are not attracted to.So if it’s just about sexual attraction, then that means race should not even come up as a factor socially. This is why I strongly believe this is another vailed for of racism whether intended or not.

  22. Pingback: <i>Real Talk With Rob Smith</i> — Race and Racism in the Gay Community (VIDEO) | likev.net

  23. Pingback: Actual Speak With Rob Smith — Race and Racism within the Homosexual Group (VIDEO),PrideNation Magazine

  24. Pingback: <i>Real Talk With Rob Smith</i> — Race and Racism in the Gay Community (VIDEO) | Pride & Equality Post

  25. Wow… this video was like looking at myself in the mirror 20 years ago. I have dated white, black and latino men in the past during the years I was actively dating and was attracted to whom ever was attractive regardless of race. Fast forward…I’ve been with the same guy (who is white) for 17 years (married now) and I still find myself having these conversations with people I meet. And yes, I agree that preference is preference… I think many of us may have a certain ‘type’ of guy we are attracted to… but to simply discount a person because of the color of their skin is just plain wrong. The question is.. “Am I attracted to this persons or not?” This is really the first time I’ve ever seen a piece like this and really enjoyed it!

  26. I’m not attracted to blonds, or men over a certain height. Never have. I even dated a man was both blond and way too tall for me and I could just never summon up that sexual connection even though we were really compatable.

    No matter how hard I tried I just wasn’t that attracted to him. But for the white media standard this; guy was it. But for me, I just couldn’t find that sexual connection I was craving.

    Physical attributes of sexual attractiveness are pre-programmed. You either find someone attractive or you don’t. Of all the men I’ve ever talked to I have never found black skin to be attractive. I’ve also never been attracted to really pale white skin. After dating the man who I connected with but couldn’t find that sexual snap with, I decided if I didn’t feel that sexual attraction up front then I wouldn’t pursue it hoping that later it would happen. It saves both parties a lot of time and heartache.

    Here’s the difference, in my eyes, between being racist and not. If you’re telling someone your not into them because they are black, you are probably racist. If you don’t find someone attractive or are missing that sexual chemistry after talking them and they are black (or brown or white or Asian) then you aren’t racist and your only words should be, “I’m not feeling any sexual chemistry on my end”.

    If you have to verbally point out the physical attribute that’s holding you back, whether it’s race or fatness, fitness (bodybuilder physic comes to mind), height, hair color, eye color, education… Than you are being discriminatory and looking to shame someone for that attribute. There’s no need to point it out. Just simply say, “I’m just not attracted to you”. That’s the truth, no need to delve into details.

    Racism is not a one way road. While announcing you’re not into black people is a pretty good indicator your racist it’s also a possibility that person is stupidly honest. They are stupidly honest because in their mind being black is no different then being a brunett or blue eyed or thick. It’s just a personal attribute. Isn’t that the goal of a post-racsim world? These people are ignorant of real racism because they have absolutely no racism in the hearts.

    Part of the race conversation should be about what place race has in the post-racism world. If anytime anyone mentions race, and is promptly called a racist, then we aren’t moving forward on any front. From the black police officer called “Uncle Tom” from a black citizen to the actual racist white people AND the racist black people and racist Asian people and racist Hispanic people the discussion needs to be had about what really constitutes a racist comment and what doesn’t. No one should live in fear or being branded a racist for making the wrong comment.

    Jumping to the conclusion that every white person who is not attracted to black people isa racist, is racist in and of itself. So is assuming that any negative event or interaction from a race not your own is because “they are racist”. Not being attracted to a certain physical attribute is programmed into us. Marketing and media can make us push down and ignore feelings of sexual attraction that are perceived as “wrong” but they can’t cause them to not exist.

  27. It’s a fucking preference omg. I’m a grindr user and my account says whites and Latino only because I’m not trying to waste anyone’s time on there. Grindr is a market for men basically and you have to ween out the one you’re not interested in. Simple as that! I basically get threatening messages time to time from black males about why I’m not interested in talking to them. I just tell them that I’m not interested and they get so fucking butt hurt about it. Once again it’s fucking preference. On that note I don’t see an article titled “You’re really sweet, but I’m not into white guys”. Where’s that shit huh??? Because that definitely exists. First hand accounts

    • No one should be butthurt that you’re ignorant and a racist. At best you’re probably just average and think you’re hot, most white guys think this, but it’s a mentality that’s ingrained in you, it’s part of white privilege.

      Why do I call you ignorant? Well for the fact that you say you’re into latino mean, but latino meaning of latin descent, which come in all shapes, sizes, and yes colors. Argentina, Brazil, Mexico, the spectrum is from white to dark black. Yet you’re sitting there ignorant as all get out that black latino man may be interested in you, then get your featurer in a bunch when they confront you, and you’re sending mixed signal because you simply don’t know any better. You can’t tell someone’s geographical origins by simply looking at them Do yourself a favor when you say you are into white guys how about you give a specific Geographic location so you don’t get confused with the Asian White guys like Russian and Israelite can’t have you mixing with the Asians can we. Going forward why don’t you just say you are looking for more white looking hispanic and latino men. It will be less confusing to those guys who fall under the latino umbrella but are too dark for you.

  28. When I saw your picture, before I read your message, I fell for you. I see something in your face, your eyes, your smile, that drew you to me. I would love to spend my life with you, if what I see in you must be your personality reflected in your face. I am an old white man and you probably wouldn’t care for me at all, but that is all right. I do have a chaser (he happens to be Asian) but I love him and he loves me. But I want to assure you that you are really great, regardless of your skin color. You look to be a very special person. I hope you find the person who will really appreciate the person you really are!!

  29. I disagree. I’m a white woman who prefers pale skinned men, but my true love happens to be a beautiful brown Puerto Rican man. What I prefer and what I bring into my bedroom is my business and I won’t accept being told I’m racist just because you think I am. I will be friends with anyone, but sexual attraction has nothing to do with racism. You don’t automatically judge or hate a race of people just because you don’t want to have sex with them. Sorry not sorry.

  30. Pingback: Gay men, Porn, and Fetishizing Race. | thomascwaters.com

  31. Just walk away if someone could not find you interesting based on your color. Dont feel the need to change them – you couldn’t in a hundred years!
    Thanks Nelson and also others who have commented.


  32. Pingback: Pleased To Meet You » Podcast Archive » PTMY Ep. 114 DeAndre!

  33. I see a lot of really long and thought out comments above so I hope to keep mine short(ish) and sweet, not that any body will read it. I am a white male. I have never found people of other races attractive. I want to date guys who I am attracted to. If I don’t find a person of another race attractive does that make me a raciest? No.

    Making people feel bad for being attracted to what they are naturally attracted to is a bad thing. It doesn’t mean I think that their race is less superior to mine. it doesn’t mean I’m judging their race based on racial stereotypes. It just means I do not have the mental capability to find a person of another race attractive. — that’s all.

    The 1st guy he talks about was just being honest. He doesn’t need to be slandered as being raciest. Maybe he could have decided to be less blunt? Idk. I applaud him for sticking his neck out and being honest as he could be. He should not feel ashamed for being attracted to what he was attracted to. The 2nd guy basically could have said it better. The dude has a fetish for thugs. That’s the point he was trying to make. Nothing wrong with that we all like the bad boys from time to time. — with that said, yes we could have stated it better.

    In short. Be who you are. Don’t feel like just because you can not find a person of another race sexy that you are therefor a raciest. You are fine. The dude in the video seemed to have found a guy who likes him. This is a non issue.

  34. Pingback: Stagnation | Interning Diaries

  35. I think it’s unfair to question sexuality as a racist instinct. Because if you do that, what you are saying is people can help what they are sexually attracted to. Or that people are conditioned into liking certain things in their mates. (Both I actually believe are true).

    I am middle-eastern, let me tell you racism is not a quality exclusive to white people, the only reason gay guys complain about white racism the most, is because ‘white’ culture is the foremost open to homosexuality culture there is compared to all other races. However all races are capable of being racially domineering and excluding its just a matter of having the power, which the white race have (we used to, and a lot still behave like we do).

    I personally believe sexuality is heavily conditioned more than ‘born into’ – including being gay, and that’s where the whole problem is in my opinion, there is no scientific understanding of sexuality contrary to comments claiming that liking a certain gender is different than races/fetishes/age/body type preferences is more ‘scientifically justified’.

    I grew up seeing a huge amount of male straight friends, attracted to white women, from all kind of races who’ve never actually encountered a real white woman in real life – that can not be a coincidence, most porn clips and sexuality is celebrated openly by white people the most.

    Black guys being domineering tops and thugs is again an idea popularized by porn by mind you black people themselves. No wonder you find guys sexualising that ideal.

    Honestly to me, sexuality is probably like hunger, yes we are born with the instincts but how you end up satiating those instincts is hugely dependent on your surroundings. Eating lizards may sound quiet disgusting but its perfectly normal and delicious to a certain culture. But beef burgers sound perfectly fine to everyone because the product was commercialized all over the world.

    I know it sounds bruta/rudel to resemble race and ‘love/sex/romance/whatever’ to products, but I really believe most of our choices are not actually our own – our mind absorbs a lot of information when we are young and cement it in our heads as ‘identity’.

    So next time you don’t want to eat a certain meal due to palate, think how does the meal feel. #trololol.

  36. You are absolutely right. We should not, can not, subdivide into a bunch of smaller and smaller minorities within a minority diluting our strength and our voice, and in the end we return to where we started, one desperate lonely person wondering hoping praying there is someone else out there like us in that vast dangerous sea of unlike.

  37. I know what you are saying most white gay men in the US are very Racist

  38. What and you’re truly surprised dude?I dated a black guy once when I was in my 20’s.We both pretty quickly realized that neither of us wanted the other to meet our respective families.Do with that what you will.Neither of us were obligated to see the other as more than a piece of ass.Once it was legal for me to marry I ended up picking a fellow Roman Catholic of European decent.If that makes me racist tough shit.I see racism as a phone word invented by communists like Trotsky in order to drive a wedge between the people in free societies.You might not like that I choose not to marry a person of color but I certainly am under no obligation to date those I have nothing in common with so that I can fit nicely into some facade socialist ideal.suck it up and carry on.

  39. What…do we have some social obligation to fuck you now?Get over yourselves…when I want to fuck a black man I will…it’s my fucking pecker and I’ll do what I will with it.

  40. You’re looking in the wrong places, haven’t met the right guys yet.. I’m Italian/White. When I came out I only dated red headed guys for 2 years.. Then I got off that trip.. I moved to NYC when 30.. First time I had seen a Puerto Rican.. I was in love w/ every PR I saw, or so I thought.. For a while most of my boyfriends were PR.. Then I met a Black/PR.. He’s was actually full PR, with some American Indian, and probably other nationalities, but he was extremely dark. So most people assumed he was Black.. We were lovers for 10 years, till he died of AIDS.. Then I started dating Black guys, and have for quite a few years, it was almost mandatory for a while, just like my other racial prefs.. I had well known Black boyfriend.. He only dated white guys.. There are a number of guys like us.. We would go to Salt and Pepper parties, where all the couples were Black/White.. I really haven’t figured it out, why.. I just prefer Blacks.. The muscles, the DL, the cock size, those are all generalizations, and not truths.. I often prefer guys that are smart- street smart.. They don’t interalize, and intellectualize everything, like I sometimes do.. Originally I was drawn to PR, cause they were so emotional, and displayed. The English side of my family, were unrealistic unemotional.. you were not allowed to cry.. you should never show emotion. Even my Italian (perhaps in trying to be more American) displayed extremely little emotion.. I was always very emotional, so PR and Blacks intrigued me, cause they were more in touch with their emotions (a generalization-not always true).. At 66. I have not dated in quite a while.. Actually lost interest in guys, after my lover died.. (I’ve fooled around, had a couple of boyfriends, but nothing like the bond I had with my soulmate.. And after some time.. I didn’t see the ‘color’ in them anymore.. They weren’t black or white.. As my lover was passing, I was always at the nursing home.. Many summers I got very dark tans. And I was twice mistaken for being my lover’s brother.. (He did have a light skinned brother (the white boy they teased him).. But he and I were the same shade..

    I found an intoxication in seeing Black/White skin intermingled when making love.. It got me naturally high.. I once met a Black albino, who was a model for Robert Mapplethorp (gay erotic photographs).. This guy was also completely hairless, so he was extremely exotic.. 1/4 of NYC wanted to date him.. I found him very intriguing.. I had a Japanese gay roommate, and he, just like all his gay japanese friends would not consider dating another Japanese.. We like what we like.. And yes, many of us believe the stereotypes. It literally took me almost 20 years to date a Black guy, and that was because my lover was Puerto Rican and Black… I didn’t consider them attractive.. they were too different.. There were no Blacks where I grew up.. Then in early 90’s the modeling agencies wanted models of color.. And all of a sudden we saw so many BEAUTIFUL Black men.. Truth was they are always there, in other races minds, they did not just see them as attractive, it was when the acceptance of Blacks into the fashion world… I got on Google, and started looking at Pictures of Blacks from the turn of the century on.. And I saw so many guys that I would now consider handsome, that I would not in my 20’s.. My loss.. I’ve always been aware of slavery, abuse, and how illegally Blacks were treated. Which would just about make me sick.. Truth was I was always attracted to exotic looking guys, (which didn’t mean they were beautiful).. A really strong nose, ears that stuck out, very pronounced eyebrow ridge.. almost any body feature that was a bit different.. I was always self conscious of my looks, but would compensate, with clothes, long hair, earrings. Then shaving all hair off and being bald for many years now, which eventually kind of came into style.. We’re attracted to who we are attracted to. Hard to pinpoint why, the heart wants what it wants..

    I would say, start circulating in different circles and places. The gay bars in NYC were kind of seperate. White gay bars, and just a few gay Black bars, and a few where both were welcome and mingled.. I would go into these Black Bars for a whole year, and never get picked.. Those black guys were only interested in other Black guys.. and resented me for being there. I worked at a gay bar in NYC, The Cock.. For the first several years, it was perhaps only 5 percent Blacks.. In the late 90’s it changed.. Now it’s like 40 percent black.. And the customers seem to get off on it, dating inter-racial.. I think perhaps its much more acceptable now.

    Keep your eyes open, try to find new places, or even a club that is more interracial.. You’ll meet some one.. good luck….

  41. I just read thru this whole thread again.. It is quite interesting to see the viewpoints and attitudes. When I first came out in Boston, I was very naive. it was kinda your gay or not gay.. When I got NYC.. I had to learn all this catagories.
    Active Top, BDSM, Golden Showers, Passive Top, Bottom, Power Bottom, pay for play. PNP. In the 80’s there was this whole ‘hankie code’ which a lot of gays used.. I think there were about 20 different colors, and these reflected your the sexual act you wanted to indulge in, and which back pocket, you put the hankie in reflected if you were aggressive or passive in this role.

    It was kinda totally overwhelming.. The way our brain works is to categorize facts, emotions, data, etc’. There is just to much data in the world today, you have to strain, categorize, put in named folders.. Otherwise you get overwhelmed and shut down..
    I’ve always used body language, to read and to convey things, without words..Check on some websites, or get a book to recognize some body language tips, it will tell you what a person may not feel comfortable saying.. If they avoid your eyes, if they back up, or move to a more ‘defensive’ position, or they do not move the conversation along, they are probably not interested. I hate the guys, who will string you along for 4 drinks, and then go to the bathroom, and disappear..

    I’ve been interested in certain guys and brushed off.. Occassionally Black guys would tell me, ‘I’m not into white guys’, ‘I’m not into bald guys. or goatees’.. I appreciated that.. I did not like the guys who would just string you along wasting time. cause they felt to awkard to speak their mind..

    Depending on my mood, I might go into a bar, and when someone came up to me, I would say, ‘look I’m just looking for conversation, not sex’.. In my later years, my first line was, ‘I don’t have sex on the first date, I prefer to go for a walk, a meal, get a cup of coffee first’.. Cause I and friends of mine got robbed taking a stranger home.. Working at a bar.. We actually had the police come to our club. Cause some guy went home with a stranger, and got murdered in his apartment. and he had our card, or receipt in his wallet. It certainly cut down on the amount of sex I had, but I’d rather miss a blowjob, then ending up dead, or robbed.

    I always checked the chemistry between some one I met and was interested in.. I could tell when someone was really into me, and I wasn’t. My usual comment was, ‘I have a Puerto Rican lover who is a boxer, and VERY JEALOUS’.. They always beat a hasty retreat.. I never told someone they were the wrong color for me, cause I didn’t want to hurt their feelings..

    For me, for many years, like most New Yorkers, everything is on a tight schedule. If I really wanted sex.. I couldn’t afford to blow 4 hours in a club, buying expensive drinks.. Some people want to go to a bar, socialize a bit, have 2 drinks, find a sex partner, go home and play for an hour, kick them out, get a good nites, sleep, and be ready to make it to work at 9AM.. It’s not racist, it’s not prejudice, it’s the way they run their life.. People who tell you ‘they’re not into Black people’.. doesn’t necessarily mean they are racist, their saying, that’s not their sexual preference. They’re doing you a favor. True they could be more sensitive, so as not to hurt your feelings. but believe me, after this happens to you several more times.. you’ll get over it.. Some people make life more complicated than it has to be. And yes, people are going to experiment on you, you might be their first Black experience, and they’re a little unsure… When I worked at The Spike as a bartender, it was required to dress in some macho outfit. .. I had the full gear.. Chaps, cod piece, jockstrap, Harness, Vest, Boots. Because I was fairly muscular.. All these guys assumed I would top them vicously for hours. .. That’s not my preference.. I was regularly asked if I had more 10 inches. I got turned down once cause I didn’t wear a Prince Albert.. It was weird at first, cause especially working in a bar, the boss wants you to fulfill the customers fantasies.. But you can’t lie, cause the word gets around real quick.

    Check out the body language, learn the lingo, and the rules of game. You don’t have to meet someone in a gay bar.. The love of my life, worked at a gym when I met him.. I would never go to bar, unless I was being paid.. It’s not my cup of tea. There’s the gay app’s.. I would never use them, but a LOT of people do.. When I first came out I was interested only in the sex act, not the person.. After a boyfriend or two, and then the Lover. I realized, it’s a richer experience to get to know the whole person, their mind, and do things to enrich your lives.. (of course a random sex act is fine too).. You’ll get it.. I think you’re very sexy, and if I was a couple of decades younger, I’d love to date you…. You sound very intelligent. I had a singing teacher once, who kind of indulged in psychology also.. I was lamenting about my love life. He told me ‘just work at being the best you can be, and the right person will find you’.

  42. There is nothing racist about not being attracted to black guys. We are all free to be with whosoever we choose as long as they choose us in return. You the writer of this article sound like a borderline rapist. Nobody should have to F**k you to prove they believe in equality. Get a life.

  43. If you’re white and prefer dark you’re racist. If you’re white and prefer light you’re racist. Newsflash: Calling whites racist and not applying the same rules for blacks is a double standard.

  44. To you biggoted racists trying to make others feel like they are a racist because they aren’t into you – it ain’t racist if you’re not into a group. By following your way of reasoning, ALL GAY MEN ARE RACIST BECAUSE THEY AREN’T INTO WOMEN! Like the flip on yourself there. So if you’re gonna say a person is racist because they don’t wanna date a black person, then all gay people are racist. If you say no they aren’t than neither is the person who just isn’t into black dudes. People wanna throw the word racist to make themselves feel like a victim, sorry there is no racism in not wanting to date a black guy.

  45. Ignorance in all cultures is the problem, I say be gay and happy not straight and sad

  46. Man, I’m black and lesbian. I’m facing the same problem within the LGBT community.Some women I had great chemistry with but they’re white and they don’t date black women or are not attracted to them but I’m just not a skin color I sometimes want to scream. I’m a person with interests of her own, a personality and some hobbies. Then there is discrimination even between the black lesbians themselves. ‘I won’t date you because you a shade darker to what I’m used to date ‘ or I like lighter skin women better like Rihanna and I’m like really… Damn, I’m actually attracted to latin and asian women more but I keep an open mind as to what type of women I might have a connection with as long as I find her cute and interesting. Then, I’m really girly and feminine and some lesbians shame other women with a more masculine look for no reason than just being themselves. Or sometimes, I get nasty remarks because I look straight and don’t want to sport the ‘dyke look’. I just want to be me I want to say. I’m just not a skin color, a look or whatever you think I should be.I’m me.Don’t get me started with the trans community,they got all type of nasty remarks and I had wonderful friends there. It’s hard for people to keep on open mind. Thank you for enlighting people on this subject.

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