My name is Philip Marcus. I’m from the Bronx, New York. 

As long as I can remember, I knew that I was different. I knew that I was gay. Because I went to an all boys Catholic high school, it was something that was like right there in your face.

There was a teacher who would oftentimes begin class by asking, which actress do you want to marry? That was hard for me as a gay man because I didn’t want to compromise myself by lying. I also didn’t want to kind of out myself, especially at that age. 

So the summer between sophomore and junior year, I had the chance to go to Italy. It was the first time I had studied abroad and it was a time where I got to really just be independent. When I got to Italy, one of the moments that I had as we left the Coliseum, as we walked away, I saw two men kissing. And this was something that, like, really stuck with me because the world continued to spin. No one stopped and stared. It just was what it was. 

And I think that gave me a level of courage. So one of my friends, who came with me from school, who was also on that trip, I decided that I would tell him. 

One day, we were at our hotel, and, you know, I just said, “I have something to tell you.” 

And he was like, “What?”

And I was like, “I’m gay.” 

And then he said, “Okay, so what do you have to tell me?” It was really a nonissue for him. I think that gave me a sense that it was okay to be who I was. 

When I came back from Italy, now it’s my junior year, I was kind of newly out, or at least not denying who I was. I’m watching American Idol with my mom and I decide to come out to her. So I explained to her, I had developed really close friendships with people.  There were other gay students who were in my class. As I told her that, I also said that, you know, I’m gay.

And her response was, “I know.” She said that she was really happy that I got to be who I was, but at the same time she was really sad because she understood the way that gay people are treated in society and in the world. 

When I graduated from, or was about to graduate from high school, I knew that I wanted a very different experience. I felt like I wanted a break and Wesleyan was number one. This was really the first space where I attended school where people came to school and they were out. And I think that there was, like, a level of freedom that, like, really screamed queer joy.

“There was a level of freedom that really screamed 'queer joy.'”

I had been dating someone who was in that small group from high school. I was able to be very open about my relationship, and I was able to talk about my feelings and my struggles with friends. I didn’t feel othered. They didn’t see it as different. More than anything, they were able to understand me in maybe a way that that high school teacher just couldn’t. 

When I graduated, I had joined New York City Teaching Fellows. When I ventured into teaching, one of the things that  I really consciously thought about was my own experiences as a student.

So I thought about how I could be a very different teacher than the one that I had. One of the ways that I really challenge students to think outside of themselves was in reading works by diverse authors. Specifically, queer authors. Books that were written by trans people. It’s really thinking about why it was important that their story be told.

There was a moment where a student came out to me. It was like, “Okay, right? It’s okay to be who you are. You know, it’s not okay for people to question your sexual orientation.” I would like to think that in that moment, I was the teacher who I most needed. And, you know, and I helped to at least give him a sense that things would be okay. 

If I were talking to my younger self, I probably would say don’t betray your authenticity.  Because even though it creates a lot of challenges, it’s also your greatest gift.