I swear the waitress worked there since the buffalo roamed freely. I had disliked her since we moved to Killdeer a few years earlier. I was in shock over the little town and just pissed at my parents for moving us. To top it off this granny waitress was mean. My little sister and I wanted shakes. She was busy and said the machine was broken. She walked away and I protested to Mom and Dad, “I just saw her make one!” Dad gave me the look that meant shut up now. Anyway, I digress. This is about my first gay date.

I had the biggest crush on him. Most of my class did as well. He lived on a ranch far from our little town. I think he often needed a place to stay. That way he could stay in town and enjoy sports and all the extra activities a freshman wants. For weeks I sought him as a friend. I was the new kid at our school. I was nothing like these rancher, western kids. They thought I was a freak actually. I didn’t wear cowboy boots, I had platform shoes. I didn’t own a pair of jeans, I dressed in polyester bell bottoms. Yes, yes it was the 70’s. We all had longer hair and bangs. I was chubby and funny. I was made fun of. Still, slowly I won everyone over. I used humor to hide. Hide liking boys. Hide being fat, I thought, and hide from such a whacko family. About liking boys…I thought I was the biggest pervert on earth. I had never knowingly seen a gay person. I had no role models. Regardless, at 16 a boy’s hormones come calling. My body was in charge now and I wanted him as a boyfriend. Of course, the entire mating dance had to be a covert operation.

After weeks and weeks he was to be my overnight guest. I was beyond excited. That day at school seemed endless. Finally we were together in my car. We cruised Main–about three blocks long. We talked endlessly about girls. I loved girls, I could relate. I took him to our little cafe around 6pm. And there she was. Waitress from hell. He stated he could not afford to eat. I proudly proclaimed, “It’s on me.” I did warn him not to order a shake. The old waitress hobbled over to us. She seemed irritated. I think she wanted to close. She asked us what we wanted to eat. I cannot explain what happened next! All of a sudden I began speaking French. I told my date I would order for him. I had to point to the items as the waitress could not speak French. As hard as I try I could not stop speaking in French tongue. For over an hour I went on in French.  My date was very amused. For, I could not speak French. Nerves, I guess.

That night we rolled around like we were on our honeymoon. I could not believe what was happening. Suddenly, my bedroom door flung open. Mom had never come into my room like that. Both of us lay naked on my twin bed. All Mom could muster up was, “Why do you still have your glasses on?”  And she closed the door.

Next day, I wanted to run down the halls holding his hand. Of course, we ignored each other. That night I sat with him and his girlfriend. Our basketball team was playing the next county, our rival. I will remember what happened next, forever. His girlfriend asked him, “Where in the hell did you get those hickeys?” I think I almost passed out. He looked at her and exclaimed, “Rod gave them to me!”

I’ll let you guess whom is married to whom now.